In the Valley of Baca Journal # 26

April 25, 2020: “It’s a God-thing,” my doctor said to me as I sat in her office for a check-up. She was referring to a CT scan that I had had done the day before which had revealed that my cancer was gone (for now, anyway, praise God!), but had also revealed a large blood clot in the largest vein in my abdomen. “Most people that get this never know they have it—they just die!” The timing of the CT scan with the development of the blood clot (which apparently is common with chemotherapy) she felt was too coincidental to be accidental, and was a clear indication of God’s intervention in my life at this time.

“When I look at the way things have developed in your life over the years I have known you, it’s obvious to me that God has a plan for your life!”  Her words came as a comfort to me, as the thought of a deep vein thrombosis, which I had never experienced before, and that could potentially end my life if it were to break loose, was causing me some anxiety. I had prayed and asked the Lord to give me peace about this, and now here it was. This blood clot, she said, now that we knew of it, was treatable with blood thinner. Compared with the recurring cancer, which for now appears to be under control, this is not even in the same league for concern.

So I’m giving thanks for the sign of His continuing care for me—for hearing and answering my prayer as I slid beneath the CT scanner—“Oh Jesus,” I prayed, “please let this cancer be gone!”—and the prayers of so many friends and loved ones who are faithfully lifting my name to the Father. Even my precious little grandchildren tell me that they pray that God will take away my cancer.  The most recent round of chemotherapy is finished, and I have a new lease on life—on this beautiful, grassy green and rainy spring day!

In The Valley of Baca Journal #16

October 30, 2018: For some reason I don’t understand entirely, until the wee hours of this morning, I hadn’t been able to ask the Lord to heal me.  But in the dark and quiet of this morning, the prayer bubbled up from deep inside, “O Jesus, please heal me—heal me please!”  All through this day the prayer kept repeating, quietly, urgently—“Please—heal me!”

October 31, 2018: I learned today the results of some genetic testing I had done that I have a “broken gene” and that it may lie at cause of this cancer.

November 9, 2018: I had a surgical repair done 3 days ago of a suture line from my previous surgery—a “wound dehiscence” they called it. I have been feeling quite well ever since and am thankful to God for that.

November 11, 2018: This verse speaks to me today—He will quiet you with His love…” (Zephaniah 3:17) My inner spirit has felt so peaceful and hopeful all the way through this ordeal (once the initial shock had passed)—it has to be from the Lord. I feel confident that I am in the center of His will as I pass through this Valley of Baca.

November 13,2018: “Surely God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation.” (Isaiah 12:2)

November 14,2018: As I am passing through this Valley of Weeping, and making it a “place of springs—of pools of blessings,” I am thinking about how the depth of my trust in the Lord has increased—how my hope in Him has grown—not only for this life, but to think beyond this life—to consider with more seriousness than ever, my hope for the next phase of life—beyond the grave. These are some of the “pools of blessing” in the Valley.

Another pool of blessing has been experiencing the love of so many friends, and of my family, as they have reached out to me and prayed for me.

November 15,2018: “Your God has commanded your strength; O God, display Your might and strengthen what You have wrought for us!” (Ps. 68:28)

Many friends have complimented me on my “strength” as I am going through this trial, but I know that it is God Who has strengthened me, and strengthened my faith, for on my own I would surely have succumbed to fear and sadness and hopelessness.  I am totally dependent on Him for the strength to face this cancer and for the faith He is building in my heart.

“And as your days are, so will your strength, your rest and security be.” ~Deut. 33:25

November 17,2018: “How great You are, O Sovereign Lord! There is no one like You and there is no God but You!”  ~2 Samuel 7:22

The sky was clear this morning while still dark just before dawn, and I stepped outside briefly to look at the stars—they always take my thoughts right to God—how amazing He is that He could create this immense and immeasurably vast and complex universe by speaking it into existence!  I am ever in awe!

And then to think—that He loves me! That He came to earth as a man to give His own human life to pay the ransom for me—for anyone who will believe—so that we can be with Him forever!

“The Lord will be your everlasting Light and your God will be your glory.  ~Isaiah 60:19

In the Valley of Baca Journal #15

 

October 15, 2018  “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.”  ~Deut. 33:12 (NAS)

This Scripture verse from Deuteronomy is translated a couple different ways—in the New American Standard Bible, it says “the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.” In most other translations that I looked at, it is translated, “The beloved of the Lord dwells in safety. The High God surrounds him all day long, and dwells between his shoulders.” (ESV)

So whether it is one the Lord loves that rests between the shoulders of the Lord, or the High God Who dwells between the shoulders of the beloved one, either way the thought is wonderful, and a precious and comforting reassurance .

 October 16, 2018:“The eternal God is your refuge and dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”  ~Deut. 33:27

 October 18, 2018: My first maintenance dose of chemo was supposed to be done yesterday, but was postponed because of some fluid in my abdomen of unknown origin and as seen on CT scan.  I’m scheduled for a lower GI tomorrow. Starving today on a clear liquid diet and bowel stimulants. Ugh!

October 24, 2018: Lower GI was extremely uncomfortable, but turned out to be normal.  The question remains: what is causing the fluid in the abdomen? It is definitely a bump in the road for me as it may delay my treatment in the maintenance phase even more.

I’ve been waking very early each morning—usually around 4 a.m., and as thoughts begin to assail me (as they so often do when it is dark and quiet), I try to pray. This morning I heard whispered very softly in my heart the words, “Don’t be afraid.” I’m “taking those words to the bank” so to speak.

October 27, 2018: Ultrasound of a couple days ago was inconclusive. We still don’t know why there is a pocket, or maybe pockets, of fluid. Now the dr is thinking there may possibly need to be something more invasive done—like maybe surgery?… I have an appointment with my doctor on the 31^st to find out the plan.

October 28, 2018: “Don’t ever judge God’s love based on your circumstances.  Instead, evaluate your circumstances from the perspective of God’s love.”  ~Henry Blackaby in Experiencing God Day by Day

“God is too good to be unkind, and He is too wise to be mistaken.  And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart.”  ~Charles Spurgeon

I’m trusting…

In the Valley of Baca Journal #14

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are Mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.   ~Isaiah 43:1-3

September 25, 2018: “You are Mine…” How these three words warm and comfort my heart. Not only will He be with me as I pass through my trials, but I am His. When God spoke these words through the prophet Isaiah, He was speaking directly to Israel, His chosen people—chosen to bring the Savior to the world through their blood lines. But something I love about Scripture is that God the Holy Spirit uses His Words in layers, so to speak, meaning while He originally spoke those words to the people of Israel in Isaiah’s time, He also speaks them to His children today.

“This is how we can recognize the voice of God and distinguish it from all other voices that clamor for our attention: the Lord’s voice is first of all pure.  In this voice there is no admixture of impurity, no shadow of doubt, nor hint of confusion.  It is so pure that it makes our inner being resonate like a struck gong.  As Bob Gemmell puts it, ‘A taste bud goes off in our heart.’”

~Mike Mason, The Gospel According to Job

And today He spoke His Word to my heart, that I am His.

October 6, 2018: It has taken me a few days longer than usual after this last chemo infusion of 10 days ago to begin feeling energy again. Since the end of May this year, I have had 6 major chemo infusions and also major abdominal surgery. Now, in mid-October, I begin the ‘maintenance phase’ of my treatment, which will be ongoing until next summer sometime. It is good to be finally looking back on it all. In the process I have met some lovely people—nurses and doctors who have lovingly helped me through this difficult summer. I thank God for them. Only kindness and support has been poured into my cup.

My family and friends, including church friends, have been amazing also in their prayers, support and help. Words are not adequate to express my gratitude. Though few would choose to go through an experience like this, it seems one has to do it to appreciate new levels of love and caring, of seeing the Hand of God working and His love shining through the hearts and hands of others.

October 8, 2018: “He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed.” ~Isaiah 50:4

The other side of the coin to hearing God speak through His Word, is to be paying attention and listening for His Voice.  Each morning, praying He will “waken my ear to listen.”

In the Valley of Baca Journal #13

“Your trouble began the hour He saw best: it could not come before, and He has marked the degree of it to a hair’s breadth, and a duration to the minute.”  ~John Newton

 September 4, 2018: I received my diagnosis of metastatic carcinoma, stage IV, on April 19, 2018, though it began long before when I didn’t even know—but God knew, and planned for me to go through this with Him as my  Shepherd.

“When illness, bereavement, opposition or troubles of all kinds find us, we must choose to depend solely on God’s help, and He will never, ever let us down. In fact, God even offers His wisdom to help us (James 1:5)” ~Scripture Union commentary.

 September 13, 2018: Had my 5^th chemo treatment a week ago today and I’m emerging from it, gradually feeling stronger and more energetic.  The first week after is always the most difficult, though it could be so much worse (for one thing, I haven’t been plagued with nausea and vomiting, as so many are).  I have been getting a cumulative effect of months of chemo—the side effects   grown somewhat more intense, but still on the relatively mild side. But I only have one more big dose of chemo to go in 2 weeks, after that I’ll be on maintenance, which I’m told is easier to tolerate.

September 14, 2018: I’m so thankful for the faithful prayers of family and friends—I have been uplifted in hope and encouragement through this all. Scripture tells us in James, “and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” This is what my people have done for me.

September 15,2018: My prayer in recent years upon waking each morning has been this: “How can I glorify You today, Lord?” And then I would look for some way during that day that I could praise Him, or say something about Him to another that would lift Him up in their thoughts. Recent developments in my health have turned my thoughts in the direction of trusting and praising Him through this valley of sickness—and of facing the brevity of this life, the promise of the next life, the hope we have in Jesus of eternal life. How can I glorify Him today?

 …When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold [pure and luminous].” 

~Job 23:10 (Amplified Bible)

 

In the Valley of Baca Journal #12

August 16, 2018: (My morning text to loved ones): On our way to chemo appointment. I had the best sleep last night since I can remember when, and feel rested and good this morning. That is how I was hoping to be for this next infusion (following on the heels of surgery). The prayers are working for sure! Feeling so thankful this morning!

 

August 19,2018: Felt pretty lousy today—4th day after infusion, and I’m aching, weak and lightheaded.

August 20-21, 2018: Feeling some better these days, though not up to par yet.

 

August 22, 2018: 8th day after infusion. Energy returns today. Feeling a lift in my spirits when this happens.

 

August 26, 2018: Psalm 84:5-7 continues to give me food for thought—it is describing those who made the pilgrimage to Jerusalem each year for the feasts. “Pilgrimage”: The dictionary definition is that it is a long journey, often of religious significance. “When they come up out of the country to worship at the feasts their way lies through many a dry and sandy valley in which they are ready to perish for thirst; but, to guard against that inconvenience, they dig little pits to receive and keep the rain-water, which is ready to them and others for their refreshment. When they make the pools the rain of heaven (the early rain) fills them…In wet weather, when the rain filled the pools, either through the rising of the waters or through the dirtiness of the way were impassable; but, by draining and trenching them, they made a road through them for the benefit of those who went up to Jerusalem. ~Matthew Henry’s Commentary

 

So here on earth, in our journey through life and the valleys of our pilgrimage to our heavenly Home, we need to have in our hearts the “highways to Zion”—God’s Word sown deeply in our hearts. As we go, we will pass through valleys; some are dry and thirsty, with a need to dig pits to collect the early rain of God’s blessings—a need to deliberately seek God and wait for Him to answer, to bless; some are “valleys of weeping,” of suffering, with a need for trenching and draining to make a roadway on which we and others can walk.

 

Could it also be possible that those in the Valley of Weeping contribute their own tears of suffering as “they make it a place of springs”? Jesus said, “He who believes in Me, [who cleaves to, and trusts in, and relies on Me], as the Scripture has said, ’From his innermost being shall flow [continuously] springs of Living Water. ‘ “ (John 7:38, Amplified Bible)

 

It all seems deliberate to me—deliberately seeking God in whichever valley we find ourselves and making ourselves receptive to what He wants to give—digging pits and making roads on our pilgrimage.

 

And remembering above all, “Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man (the one) whose strength is in You… They go from strength to strength…” (Psalms 84: 5,7)

In the Valley of Baca Journal #9

July 10, 2018

Realizing that I have a mortal illness has brought into sharp focus for me the matter of being here on earth and on the passing of time. Learning to appreciate the present moment and the meaning of life, asking  myself if I am wasting the precious time God has given me, learning to live, really live, in the present moment and in the Presence of God–for that is the only time I can actually experience His Presence—these are the lessons I am drawing from the Valley of Baca.

There is a Bill Gather song that is running through my mind: “We have this moment to hold in our hands/ And to touch as it sifts through our fingers like sand. / Yesterday’s gone and tomorrow may never come, / But we have this moment today.”

It is a rich lesson to learn…

July 18, 2018:

“Blessed be God Who has not turned away my prayer, nor His lovingkindness from me…” (Psalm 66:20)

I received wonderful news today that the two cancerous lesions that have been what the doctor has been watching since my diagnosis in April have virtually disappeared on CT scan! This is excellent news and clear evidence that God has heard and is answering our prayers so far.

The next step is for surgery, scheduled for next week Tuesday, July 24. I am cautiously optimistic… Please God, may the surgery also prove me clear of any cancerous lesions, or lymph node involvement! But it is all in Your hands…

Up the Road a Ways

Have you ever heard someone say, “God wouldn’t want me to be unhappy…”? And thus they would justify in their own minds some sort of self-indulgence or avoidance of something uncomfortable, because they think that God’s purpose in saving us is so that we can be “happy.” This is the message of “easy believe-ism”—just believe in God and He will make you happy and peaceful. It won’t cost you anything! You won’t have to deny yourself anything…just believe.

Do we think that Jesus felt He had a right to happiness because of Who He was—Jesus, Son of God, found sweating great drops of blood in the Garden of Gethsemane? Jesus, as He prayed in anguish to God to take away the cup of crucifixion and judgment? He knew that if there was any other way, His Father would do it; He surely struggled against screaming emotions, fear and depression that may have caused Him to even feel suicidal (Mark 14:34). But then realizing that in order to do God’s will, the purpose for which He had come, He had to die to His own will, to refuse the temptation to take the easy way out. He accepted God’s will for Himself, although it cost Him everything.

Now, exalted and sitting at the right hand of the Father, the salvation of souls has become His great joy. God had a greater Plan—to save anyone who would put their faith in His Son and the sacrifice He was making to redeem the world.

Anyone who prays struggles at one time or another with the experience of unanswered prayer. It should be a comfort to realize that Jesus Himself, Who was sinless, prayed for something to which God said “no.” And God sometimes says no to our prayers because He has a plan for our lives greater than that we should be momentarily happy.

 

From prayer that asks that I may be
Sheltered from winds that beat on Thee,
From fearing when I should aspire,
From faltering when I should climb higher,
From silken self, O Captain free
Thy soldier who would follow Thee.

From subtle love of softening things,
From easy choices, weakening,
Not thus are spirits fortified,
Not this way went the Crucified.
From all that dims Thy Calvary,
O Lamb of God, deliver me

…

Let me not sink to be a clod:
Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God!
~Amy Carmichael

So we fix our gaze on the higher goal up the road a ways. It may involve a time of deep suffering in order to do what is right and pleasing to God. In the end, however, if we follow God’s plan for our lives, we will find joy—and not only in the end—we will also find it along the way as we walk in obedience to Him.

Angels?

Journal Entry—August 31, 1995:
“I went flying last night—in my dreams. It was wonderfully easy—couldn’t understand why I had not done it sooner. As I rose up over what seemed to me like a town or village, I could see angels below attending to individuals on the ground—like butterflies attending flowers…”

“He will give His angels especial charge over you, to accompany and defend and preserve you in all our ways (of obedience and service).” ~Psalms 91:11 (Amplified Bible)

There have been a few times in my life when I was quite sure I had seen angelic intervention. One of those times was, curiously, concerning my much prayed for “first child”, my dog. We had traveled home to Michigan from Vermont for a family visit. We had just arrived and gotten out of the car and Trapper, the said Irish Setter dog, was loose in the yard. Suddenly,  I heard the roar of a fast car coming up the street. And just at that moment, Trapper saw a dog across that same street. He started trotting over to investigate, focusing on the dog and ignoring my commands to come back. He arrived at the street at the exact moment the speeding car did and, unable to tear my eyes away, I was sure I would see him die. But just as he put  his foot into the street, he flipped backwards—like he hit an invisible wall! Untouched by the car, he jumped up and came running back to me, tail between the legs and confused, but unharmed. Was that an angel that he ran into instead of the car? Remember I said he was a “much prayed for dog”… I could only conclude that God was honoring my prayers by saving my dog.

Another time involved one of my babies. The house we lived in in Vermont had a basement door that opened the wrong way. Instead of pulling it toward you, it opened with a push and the stairs were then exposed. I had deep anxiety about it because my second little daughter, Rebecca, was just learning to walk and would edge along the walls. I tried to make sure the door was always latched, but I feared that if she ever fell down those stairs she would be killed, because there was just concrete at the bottom of those wooden steps. In retrospect, I should have insisted that we fix that door. But I did pray that God would protect her.

I was in the kitchen when it happened. I heard the door swoosh open. I ran to the stairs to see my little Rebecca rapidly tumbling side over side down those steps! Terrified, I started down the steps after her, but was unable to catch up to her or stop her fall. However, when she reached the bottom step, I saw something happen that I believe saved her— just before landing on the concrete floor, she suddenly stood on her head and pivoted so that she landed face down on the floor instead of sideways as she had been tumbling! That seemed unusual to me, and I am convinced that it was her angel protecting her little head from crashing into the concrete. Trembling, I picked her up from the floor and checking her all over found that, apart from having the wind knocked out of her, she had only a little blood on her lip.

“He makes His angels winds, and His ministers a flame of fire…Are they not all ministering spirits sent out to serve for the sake of those who are to inherit salvation?” ~Hebrews 1:7, 14.

Angels? Yes, I think so. They are our unseen protectors–especially when we are trusting God with our own lives and those of our loved ones (and, apparently, even our pets).

Trusting God and obeying Him—that is the key. It puts us in the best position to receive His angelic protection.  Are you trusting Him with your own life and those of those of your loved ones?

“I will trust and not be afraid…” ~Isaiah 12:2

Gethsemane

Gethsemane. This was where He prayed that God’s will would be done, no matter what it cost Himself personally—the pain of beatings and the crucifixion; the agony of separation from the Father; the excruciating filth of the sins of mankind all piled upon Him.

I stood near the rock where it is thought that Jesus began dying–dying to Himself for the sake of the Father’s plan—and the joy that was set before Him.

The realization hit me on this trip to Israel in 1990. As part of our itinerary we visited the Mount of Olives and the place where it was thought the Garden of Gethsemane had been. The olive trees were not from that time as the Romans, when they sacked Jerusalem, had burned all the trees. But this garden was a quiet reminder of the place where Jesus prayed.

On a much diminished scale, I identified with Him. I had died to myself for His sake. I was angry and hurt, but I had prayed that His will might be done in my life–that no matter what the cost to me, I wanted to do things His way. Details I cannot discuss, but details are not really what this was about. It was about the act of dying to myself. It was about yielding my life to Jesus even when it hurt. It was about obeying what I knew He was asking of me.

Have you died yet to yourself? Many people want Jesus to save them from the punishments of Hell, but when it comes to making Him Lord of their personal actions and decisions…well maybe that’s taking it a little too far?

Not so. Jesus said, “If anyone desires to be My disciple, let him deny himself—disregard, lose sight of, and forget himself and his own interests—and take up His cross and follow Me—cleave steadfastly to Me, conform wholly to My example in living, and if need be, in dying.” ~ Matthew 16;24

Dying to oneself, making self-denial your lifestyle, is not popular these days. Being assertive and self-promoting is the way of the world. But Jesus’ way is better. It’s not being a doormat for others to wipe their feet on, although that may be how it feels sometimes. Curiously, when you deny yourself for Jesus’ sake, He makes you stronger. It becomes a doorway to a deeper relationship with Him because of your obedience.

Gethsemane: “Not my will, but Yours be done.” It’s not a once for all decision—it needs to be repeated daily. In that act of dying to myself and giving myself up to Him, I have found great freedom; and now, many years later, great blessing.