In The Valley of Baca Journal #16

October 30, 2018: For some reason I don’t understand entirely, until the wee hours of this morning, I hadn’t been able to ask the Lord to heal me.  But in the dark and quiet of this morning, the prayer bubbled up from deep inside, “O Jesus, please heal me—heal me please!”  All through this day the prayer kept repeating, quietly, urgently—“Please—heal me!”

October 31, 2018: I learned today the results of some genetic testing I had done that I have a “broken gene” and that it may lie at cause of this cancer.

November 9, 2018: I had a surgical repair done 3 days ago of a suture line from my previous surgery—a “wound dehiscence” they called it. I have been feeling quite well ever since and am thankful to God for that.

November 11, 2018: This verse speaks to me today—He will quiet you with His love…” (Zephaniah 3:17) My inner spirit has felt so peaceful and hopeful all the way through this ordeal (once the initial shock had passed)—it has to be from the Lord. I feel confident that I am in the center of His will as I pass through this Valley of Baca.

November 13,2018: “Surely God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation.” (Isaiah 12:2)

November 14,2018: As I am passing through this Valley of Weeping, and making it a “place of springs—of pools of blessings,” I am thinking about how the depth of my trust in the Lord has increased—how my hope in Him has grown—not only for this life, but to think beyond this life—to consider with more seriousness than ever, my hope for the next phase of life—beyond the grave. These are some of the “pools of blessing” in the Valley.

Another pool of blessing has been experiencing the love of so many friends, and of my family, as they have reached out to me and prayed for me.

November 15,2018: “Your God has commanded your strength; O God, display Your might and strengthen what You have wrought for us!” (Ps. 68:28)

Many friends have complimented me on my “strength” as I am going through this trial, but I know that it is God Who has strengthened me, and strengthened my faith, for on my own I would surely have succumbed to fear and sadness and hopelessness.  I am totally dependent on Him for the strength to face this cancer and for the faith He is building in my heart.

“And as your days are, so will your strength, your rest and security be.” ~Deut. 33:25

November 17,2018: “How great You are, O Sovereign Lord! There is no one like You and there is no God but You!”  ~2 Samuel 7:22

The sky was clear this morning while still dark just before dawn, and I stepped outside briefly to look at the stars—they always take my thoughts right to God—how amazing He is that He could create this immense and immeasurably vast and complex universe by speaking it into existence!  I am ever in awe!

And then to think—that He loves me! That He came to earth as a man to give His own human life to pay the ransom for me—for anyone who will believe—so that we can be with Him forever!

“The Lord will be your everlasting Light and your God will be your glory.  ~Isaiah 60:19

In the Valley of Baca Journal #15

 

October 15, 2018  “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.”  ~Deut. 33:12 (NAS)

This Scripture verse from Deuteronomy is translated a couple different ways—in the New American Standard Bible, it says “the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.” In most other translations that I looked at, it is translated, “The beloved of the Lord dwells in safety. The High God surrounds him all day long, and dwells between his shoulders.” (ESV)

So whether it is one the Lord loves that rests between the shoulders of the Lord, or the High God Who dwells between the shoulders of the beloved one, either way the thought is wonderful, and a precious and comforting reassurance .

 October 16, 2018:“The eternal God is your refuge and dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”  ~Deut. 33:27

 October 18, 2018: My first maintenance dose of chemo was supposed to be done yesterday, but was postponed because of some fluid in my abdomen of unknown origin and as seen on CT scan.  I’m scheduled for a lower GI tomorrow. Starving today on a clear liquid diet and bowel stimulants. Ugh!

October 24, 2018: Lower GI was extremely uncomfortable, but turned out to be normal.  The question remains: what is causing the fluid in the abdomen? It is definitely a bump in the road for me as it may delay my treatment in the maintenance phase even more.

I’ve been waking very early each morning—usually around 4 a.m., and as thoughts begin to assail me (as they so often do when it is dark and quiet), I try to pray. This morning I heard whispered very softly in my heart the words, “Don’t be afraid.” I’m “taking those words to the bank” so to speak.

October 27, 2018: Ultrasound of a couple days ago was inconclusive. We still don’t know why there is a pocket, or maybe pockets, of fluid. Now the dr is thinking there may possibly need to be something more invasive done—like maybe surgery?… I have an appointment with my doctor on the 31^st to find out the plan.

October 28, 2018: “Don’t ever judge God’s love based on your circumstances.  Instead, evaluate your circumstances from the perspective of God’s love.”  ~Henry Blackaby in Experiencing God Day by Day

“God is too good to be unkind, and He is too wise to be mistaken.  And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart.”  ~Charles Spurgeon

I’m trusting…

A Person to Know

The evangelist, R.A. Torrey, said, “Before one can correctly understand the work of the Holy Spirit, one must first of all know the Spirit Himself. A frequent source of error and fanaticism about the work of the Holy Spirit is the attempt to study and understand His work without first of all coming to know Him as a Person.”

I had been a born-again Christian for ten years when I met Ron in the hospital operating suite where he worked as an orderly, and I had newly come to work as a nurse. A mop of afro-styled, bright red hair, and wire-rimmed glasses spoke to me of his hippy life-style. Yet the first time I saw Ron, he was on his coffee-break from his janitorial duties, leaning against a pile of full laundry bags and pouring over a small New Testament.

I asked him if he was a Christian, and so began a friendship that would lead me to powerful changes in my life as a believer. I invited him to a Bible study my husband and I were involved in, and he became a regular member. Ron had only been a Christian for two years, having come to the Lord through the “Jesus Movement” in California in the 1970s. But his knowledge of the Scriptures and ability to explain them was astounding to me.

It was through Ron’s testimony that I came to know the Holy Spirit. As a believer, the Holy Spirit was living in my heart, but I had never really met Him. In fact, I was a little bit afraid of Him—there was in some circles what seemed like a fanaticism about the Holy Spirit, and I didn’t want to be a part of that. But Ron’s example of a Spirit-filled life was so powerful that I found myself wanting what he had. I began longing and yearning for that intimate relationship with the Spirit that I saw in Ron, but I was bound up inside with fear, and that blocked me from Him

In fact, fear ruled my life—intensely shy, I was afraid of people and what they thought of me; tongue-tied, I was afraid to even speak the name of Jesus. But through Ron’s influence, the Holy Spirit drew me to Himself. At the same time, a book I was reading, “The Practice of the Presence of God,” by Brother Lawrence, was creating a longing in me to live in the awareness of God’s Presence as this 12th Century monk described as his own experience.

After eight months of struggling, longing and feeling the conviction of the Holy Spirit, I finally was able to lay down my fears and give Him full access to my heart. What I found was that an intense Sweetness surrounded me and infused me. He is Love personified—Love, Beauty, Wisdom, Power and Grace, all in One. He is the very Spirit of Jesus. A very real Person!

Coming to know the Holy Spirit has brought power over the fears that ruled me, but that is not the best part. The best part has been finding the intimacy with the Lord that I so longed for—it is living in the awareness of His Presence day in and day out. It is hearing Him whisper to me through His Word, and move through me as I obey Him.

“Throw your heart open to the Holy Spirit and invite Him to fill you. He will do it. Make your heart a vacuum and the Spirit will push to fill it.”

~A.W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God