In the Valley of Baca Journal #24

In the Valley of Baca Journal #24

Nov. 25, 2019: “To every thing there is a season…a time to be born and a time to die…He has made everything beautiful in its time…

(Eccl.3:2,11)

My recent health issues have caused me to think a lot about life and death. Just as a time to be born comes to each of us—when we emerge from the womb and metaphorically a “mist,” before we can remember anything—just so there comes to each of us a “time to die.”  How we live our lives between those two times is critical for what comes next—how we respond to the Savior when He calls to us to come to Him and yield up our lives to Him.

But when the time comes to die—does the statement of verse 11 apply? “He has made everything beautiful in its time…”? Does this apply to “a time to die”? I want to think that that is a promise I can cling to.

 December 30, 2019: “The rough-looking diamond is put upon the wheel of the gem-smith. He cuts it on all sides. It loses much–much that seemed costly to itself. The king is crowned; the diadem is put upon the monarch’s head accompanied by the trumpet’s joyful sound. A glittering ray flashes from that coronet, and it beams from that same diamond that was so recently fashioned at the wheel.

You may venture to compare yourself to such a diamond, for you are one of God’s people; and this is the time of the cutting process. Let faith and patience have their perfect work, for in the day when the crown is set upon the head of the King, eternal, immortal, invisible, one ray of glory shall stream from you. “They shall be mine, says the LORD of Hosts, in the day when I make up my treasured possession.”² “Better is the end of a thing than its beginning.’ “

~Alistair Begg

I saw this embroidered verse at the chemo treatment center where I go to receive my treatments. I would only add to one of the phases—“It cannot steal the peace that Jesus gives.”

I’m treasuring the time that I have left. Only God knows how long. In the meantime, I’m thinking about how much there is to do and how I’m hoping to be able to do it—unfinished projects; prayers for my family and friends; so much of life yet to live.

When people hear that I am undergoing chemotherapy for cancer, I see pity in their eyes—chemo is rough, but so much better than it used to be. I feel thankful for it, for it is buying me precious time with my family, and especially the grandchildren whom I adore, and for whom I pray.

Physically I am doing okay, though feeling the effects of the medicine that is saving my life. I have been able to make the trip to Florida for a time this month, and hope to do the same through April, coming home for treatments every 4 weeks .

Life is good. God is good! I’m thankful!

In the Valley of Baca Journal #23

August 22, 2019: “Your eyes shall see the King in His beauty…” (Isaiah 33:17) I feel this promise is about the life that is to come. It gives me hope.

September 3, 2019: “I shall not die but live, and shall declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord.” (Psalm 118:17)            I was mildly amused recently listening to a Gospel song called “Everybody Wants To Go To Heaven, But Nobody Wants To Die.”  That is a true statement. 

September 14, 2019: I awoke this morning with this verse in mind: “Every day will I bless Thee—I will praise Your Name forever and ever.” (Psalm 145:2)  Forever and ever goes well beyond this life. I feel like I am being reminded more and more about the next life that awaits me—that although this present life will end, life itself does not end here.

“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” (Psalm 118:28)

October 9, 2019: “God uses suffering and impending death to unfasten us from this earth and to set our minds on what lies beyond.” (Randy Alcorn in Heaven)  This is so true. I’m feeling unfastened. And I’ve changed the way I’m thinking about the end of this life—instead of thinking about “when I die…” I’m framing it a “when the Lord calls me Home.” That perspective changes my outlook from a feeling of sadness to an expectation of hope and excitement for what waits beyond.

October 20, 2019:

“Courage! 
For Life is hastening

To endless Life away.

The inner fire unwasting

Transfigures our dull clay.

See the stars melting, sinking

In Lifewine golden, bright.

We of the splendor drinking

Shall grow to stars of light

~George MacDonald

So the other shoe has dropped—my latest CT scan has shown that the cancer has once more reared its ugly head and returned. I will need to have another round of chemo immediately. There has been some pain over the last couple months, so the chemo may actually bring some welcome relief. Emotionally, it has been a another hard hit for me, for my family and friends to have to work through the implications of all this once more—not as hard as the first time, but we are still in the Valley of Weeping, of Baca. And yet the peace of God, which passes understanding, is keeping and guarding my heart.

None of us has more than the present moment—we’re not even guaranteed the next breath, although we live as if life here on earth will just go on as it always has before. I have been made very aware of my own mortality and it is something that I think about every day. But I think about it with thankfulness that the Lord has made Himself known to me; and that the promises that are in the scriptures about the life to come are real for those who believe in Him—and will become real for  me at some point. For now, I will live to give thanks for every day—and night, for the scriptures say that “For He gives blessings to His beloved even in his sleep.” (Psalm 127:2) –days and nights, maybe even years, that I have left to live here on earth with my beloved family and friends.

In the Valley of Baca Journal #20

March 8, 2019: “We have this assurance: Those who belong to God will live; their bodies will rise again! Those who sleep in the earth will rise up and sing for joy!” (Isaiah 26:19 NLT)

Such a hope we have, we who belong to God!

March 9, 2019: “My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise renews my life.”  (Ps. 119:50)  I have learned  over my years of trusting Him, of seeing His promises to me fulfilled, that I really can trust Him. His promise renews my life.

March 30, 2019: “Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and cares about you watchfully.” (I Peter 5:7 Amplified Bible)

The key word in this scripture passage for me this morning is “casting.” As I am approaching my next round of tests—blood work, CT scan and dr. appointments, I have found myself thinking anxiously about them—what if the cancer has come back?

I can tell myself not to worry; I can wrestle it down until it submits, but then, in my quiet moments, find those anxious thoughts and feelings creeping back and haunting me.

But if I CAST them on Him—letting go of them and releasing them to Jesus—I’m handing control of my life and of what happens to me over to Him. And He is Lord of my life. What happens to me is under His control. And I have learned that I can trust Him Who “cares for me affectionately and cares about me watchfully.”

“CAST your burden on the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you.”  (Ps. 55:22 Amplified)

In the Valley of Baca Journal #18

“What if Thou make us able to make like Thee?
To light with moons, to clothe with greenery,
To hang gold sunsets o’er a rose and purple sea?”
~George MacDonald

In the Valley of Baca Journal #18

Dec. 24, 2018: I have been encouraged by a recent report that Lynparza, the maintenance medication I am taking, performed excellently in three studies involving late stage ovarian cancer.  Still, I’m not depending on that for my hope, but rather on Jesus.

I have been enjoying this Christmas season with the family, with an added depth of appreciation for them and for life.  As a friend pointed out recently, none of us knows how many, or even if, we will have more Christmas-times together.

Dec. 26,2018: “Your eyes will see the King in His beauty; [your eyes] will behold a land of wide distances that stretches afar.” ~Isaiah 33:17  This promise for my future beyond this life make that “hope ember” glow in my heart.

Jan. 6, 2019: “Ah, Lord God, behold, Thou hast made the heavens and the earth by Thy great power and outstretched arm, and there is nothing too hard for Thee.” ~Jeremiah 32:17 

I am gazing at the awesome beauty of the morning sky here in Sanibel, Florida, planets Venus and Jupiter lighting the eastern horizon above the sea as morning stars. The Almighty God Who created them, by His “stretched out arm,” also created me. And, because of Jesus, I am His—and He is mine.  There is no safer place to be.

January 23, 2019: The sea is roaring today, and I love the sound of it. A strong wind has whipped the waves into a frenzy.

Celebrating my 72^nd birthday tomorrow! As my grandma used to say, “I can’t believe I am this old!” I have come to the realization that each new day in my life is a gift to be celebrated with thankfulness.

I am thankful also for the medication that allows me to continue on this journey. I’m feeling quite well, although my strength is compromised and I’m dealing with some mild to moderate side effects lingering from my summer chemotherapy treatment. But I can live with them.

January 24, 2019: It is 6 a.m. and I find myself meditating on the fact that 72 years ago this morning, at this time, my mother was in labor at a hospital in Hamtramack, Michigan, about to give birth to me in two hours at 8:25 a.m.  My uncle was her attending physician who delivered me. I had no choice in the matter—no choice as to the hour or day of my birth, no choice as to the family I was being born into, no choice even in my own existence.  All that was predetermined for me.

However, I do now have choices—how I live my life and with whom, whether to put my faith in God, trusting the Lord Jesus with my life and my future—innumerable choices as I walk through life, day by day. This life, that begins with choices being made for us, ends in the same manner. We don’t have the right to choose when our life here on earth is to end—although some people usurp that power and do end their own lives. But only God, who is the Giver of life, has that right to decide when earthly life is to end.  I trust Him—He is kind, He is loving, I am safe with Him. This is my choice.

In the Valley of Baca Journal #13

“Your trouble began the hour He saw best: it could not come before, and He has marked the degree of it to a hair’s breadth, and a duration to the minute.”  ~John Newton

 September 4, 2018: I received my diagnosis of metastatic carcinoma, stage IV, on April 19, 2018, though it began long before when I didn’t even know—but God knew, and planned for me to go through this with Him as my  Shepherd.

“When illness, bereavement, opposition or troubles of all kinds find us, we must choose to depend solely on God’s help, and He will never, ever let us down. In fact, God even offers His wisdom to help us (James 1:5)” ~Scripture Union commentary.

 September 13, 2018: Had my 5^th chemo treatment a week ago today and I’m emerging from it, gradually feeling stronger and more energetic.  The first week after is always the most difficult, though it could be so much worse (for one thing, I haven’t been plagued with nausea and vomiting, as so many are).  I have been getting a cumulative effect of months of chemo—the side effects   grown somewhat more intense, but still on the relatively mild side. But I only have one more big dose of chemo to go in 2 weeks, after that I’ll be on maintenance, which I’m told is easier to tolerate.

September 14, 2018: I’m so thankful for the faithful prayers of family and friends—I have been uplifted in hope and encouragement through this all. Scripture tells us in James, “and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” This is what my people have done for me.

September 15,2018: My prayer in recent years upon waking each morning has been this: “How can I glorify You today, Lord?” And then I would look for some way during that day that I could praise Him, or say something about Him to another that would lift Him up in their thoughts. Recent developments in my health have turned my thoughts in the direction of trusting and praising Him through this valley of sickness—and of facing the brevity of this life, the promise of the next life, the hope we have in Jesus of eternal life. How can I glorify Him today?

 …When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold [pure and luminous].” 

~Job 23:10 (Amplified Bible)

 

In the Valley of Baca Journal #10

July 20, 2018: Psalm 40:1,2 is speaking to me today:

“Patiently I waited, expectantly for the Lord. / He listened and heard my cry.

He drew me up out of the horrible pit/ Out of tumult, destruction, miry clay and grit—

Set my feet on a rock –firm, established, definite. / He listened and heard my cry.”

 

July 23,2018: Today is the day before my surgery, and I am praying this prayer with another who was actually walking in the Valley of the Shadow—one who was dying of pancreatic cancer: “We live and pray one day at a time. We pray each day and say, ‘Thank You, God, for the healing You gave me today. Please heal me tomorrow.’ ”

July 25, 2018: First day after—doing tolerably well. There’s pain, but it’s being managed and controlled.

Going into surgery, I felt no anxiety or fear, just very secure in God’s hands and the surgeon’s, and very prayed for. As the nurses were rolling my stretcher into the OR, we passed a large window in the hallway out of which I caught a glimpse of the sky and clouds. The thought struck me (the Holy Spirit so often does this) of how I was in God’s hands, and of all the lovely people (many of whom don’t even know me personally) who were praying for me, especially that morning. The thought brought such a tender feeling followed by tears. As I lay on my back with my ears filling up with tears, (and putting me in mind of the old, funny country song, “I’ve got tears in my ears/ Layin’ on my back/ Cryin’ over you!) my nurses were concerned and were asking if I was all right. And then my dear Dr. Liu saw my tears and took a tissue and wiped them away for me—such compassion is the sign of a really good doctor in my book. That is in addition to her reputation for being one of the best doctors in the country at what she does.

I woke up from the surgery in a lot of pain—apparently the epidural drip pain relief wasn’t kicking in as it should. After a little bit I did get some relief, thankfully.

This first day post-op has been a day of gradual improvement—getting out of bed, walking, eating hospital food…Each time I’m getting up it is getting a little easier.

Feelings of gratitude to the Lord are strong—what a wonderful Savior, Who doesn’t necessarily take us out of our troubles, but goes through them with us. I’m safe with Him, no matter what—and with Him is the most wonderful place to be.

 

July 26, 2018: “I am poor and needy, yet the Lord takes thought for me/ You are my Help and my Deliverer. / O my God, do not tarry!” ~Psalm 40:17

This day was a more difficult day with a lot of stomach discomfort. I was originally planning to go home today, but as it turned out, wasn’t ready yet.

 

July 30,, 2018: This is my 3^rd day at home now, and I’m feeling a bit stronger in some ways. The abdominal swelling has gone down quite a bit and I’m getting up and down more easily. Had a much dreaded vomiting episode yesterday morning, and although it was painful, it wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be, considering my large incision. On anti-nausea med now that is helping.

 

August 1, 2018: The picture accompanying this post is of a sunrise, not a sunset, and is symbolic to me of the promise and hope for the future that I have in Jesus—for this life and the next.

               

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In the Valley of Baca #8

 

June 24, 2018: This second and third week after chemo #2 have been fairly easy to tolerate. Drinking lots of water seems to be key to feeling better.

This passage from Psalms speaks to me today: “Those who trust in, lean on, and confidently hope in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved but abides and stands fast forever. As the mountains are round about Jerusalem, so the Lord is round about His people from this time forth and forever.”  (Psalm 125:1-2)

The images are of mountains and this promise is two-fold: Those who trust in the Lord are like a mountain—Mount Zion in Jerusalem—where God’s temple was built. The temple was a place to worship God, with the Holy of Holies in the innermost part where the Spirit of God actually dwelt. We who trust and lean on and hope in Him are like that, with the Holy of Holies in our innermost being—and this is forever!

The second part of the promise assures us of God’s protection. He surrounds His people with His presence forever —for all of life’s entirety, including this life, death and the next life. There is no safer place to be.

June 27, 2018: As I am sitting in the recliner at the Infusion Center, receiving my third chemo infusion, I read these words from Isaiah 57: “I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will lead him and restore comfort to him and to his mourners, creating the praise of the lips. Peace, peace to him who is far and to him who is near, says the Lord, and I will heal him.” –Isaiah 57:18,19

How beautiful and precious God’s promises are! And how kind He is to bring them to our awareness and speak them into our hearts when we need them so! Time after time the Spirit is highlighting promises of healing to me.

 June 28, 2018:

“Cultivate your relationship with Jesus,” encouraged my Dad, the farmer, who thought and spoke in agricultural terms when referring to both the physical and spiritual realms.  I’m thinking a lot about this in my time of need: We knew what it meant to “cultivate,” for we had cultivated the corn crop each summer. Operating a tractor with a “cultivator” on the back, I had spent many hours going up and down the rows of young corn, trying carefully to keep the sharp v-shaped blades between the rows of corn and not dislodging the tender young corn plants themselves.

Spiritually speaking, cultivating my relationship with Jesus meant not only growing my relationship with Him by faithfully keeping a daily quiet time with Him, but also hoeing out the spiritual weeds, the fleshly tendencies that warred against my spirit. I am grateful that I followed Dad’s advice from an early age.

Similarly, the old Chinese proverb which advises “Dig your well before you are thirsty” is advice I am appreciating as I am on this journey of cancer and its treatment. I take this as a spiritual meaning, as having walked in the way of faith for over half a century, I have dug my “well” and am now drinking from it in my time of need.

It is the way of our culture to look for peace and comfort in a bottle of booze, or some other form of self-medication such as marijuana provides, or the more extreme opioid crisis demonstrates. The best any of these can offer is temporary relief, and has to be constantly renewed to dull the inner pain or achieve the relief desired.

But the well of peace and comfort, of hope and confidence that knowing the Lord gives is completely different. My advice to anyone is to search for God now—He promises to let you find Him when you search for Him with all your heart—and when you come to Him in the way He has chosen (through His Son, Jesus Christ).  Then, when you have found Him, cultivate your relationship with Him daily. Learn to know His voice for He is constantly speaking. When your time of difficulty comes—and it surely will come—you will have dug your well of faith already from which you can drink and your thirst will be quenched with peace and hope.

July 1, 2018: I’m currently in what I’m calling my “downer days” during the first week after an infusion—lethargy and achiness. I’ll be feeling better in a few days. Surgery is on the schedule for this month.

July 3, 2018: I’m emerging from my “chemo fog” today, 7 days after infusion, feeling the aches and pains subsiding, with more energy and desire to be active. I have to guard myself to keep from overdoing once I start to feel better from the infusion. I’m so thankful I can get to this place physically considering what my body is undergoing. So thankful I’m not having to endure the potential nausea and vomiting that so many endure—a real blessing!

In the Valley of Baca #7

June 7, 2018: My second infusion was yesterday and went well with a couple of hitches—I reacted to the first medicine (Taxol) which was being rapidly infused by developing serious back pain and flushing of my skin. After the pain subsided, some adjustments were made to the rate of infusion, and the procedure continued until the last infusion, which was the study drug (or placebo). I had another issue then again with back pain, though it was of a different nature. The infusion was again slowed. And so it turned into another long 10 hour day.

Today I’m feeling the steroid effect—energy, light spirits, a little jittery. It doesn’t last long, but is nice while it does.

June 13,2018: I’ve been down for the past week with tiredness, weakness, stomach issues and lack of zest. I’ve been forcing fluids every day to see if that would help in this recovery stage.  And today (Day 1 of the 2^nd week after infusion) I woke up feeling rested, and I feel a zest for the day.  Perhaps this is the pattern (first week down, then following weeks better) for future treatments as well.

June 14, 2018: Today I feel overwhelmed with HOPE! Everywhere I look—no matter how my health issue resolves—I see only HOPE! What a wonderful gift Jesus has given us with HOPE for this life and HOPE for the next. He Himself is our HOPE!

“Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet praise Him Who is the Help of my countenance and my God.” (Psalm 42:11)

June 15, 2018: This passage from Secrets of the Secret Place by Bob Sorge speaks to me:

“ …‘Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.’

“The Lord wants to set you ablaze with the zeal for the face of Christ so that you might shine with the light of a relationship that enjoys intimacy first. If this fire of love is pure and bright, the Lord will set you on a lampstand so that you might give light to the entire household of faith.”

I have to wonder: Is this what is happening here to me? Am I being put up on a lampstand to shine for Him in this Valley of Baca experience? If it is, can I truly say with Job, “Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him”? (Job 13:15 KJV)

My answer is “Yes, yes, yes!” How could I not trust Him? He has proven Himself to me again and again—that He loves me, that He has my best interests at heart… that He is everything to me! And again with Job I find myself saying, “He knows the way that I take [He has concern for it, appreciates and pays attention to it]. When He has tried me, I shall come forth as refined gold [pure and luminous].” (Job 23:10 Amplified Bible)

In the Valley of Baca Journal

“The one in whose heart are the highways to Zion/ Is so blessed, for his strength is in You/ Those passing through the valley of tears/ The vale of weeping, of dread and fears/ they make it a place of springs, fresh and clear/ They are so blessed for their strength is in You.” (Psalm 84:5,6 ~ from Bless the Lord, Oh My Soul–my recently published book of poetry of the Psalms)

April 29, 2018:

“My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for He will pluck my feet out of the net.” ~Psalm 25:15

The Lord has given me this promise two days in a row—a promise I can believe in, and will.

May 3, 2018

It was about 4 a.m. this morning and I briefly surfaced from my sleep to feel a touch in my heart – a sort of ping,  like when you get a message on your phone—from the Spirit, saying to me that I am loved and that He is with me in this journey into the unknown.

May 4, 2018

Had the port placement surgery today. My sense of calm before the surgeries seemed supernatural—I had no qualms. Pain was minimal—mostly during the local anesthetizing.

“The Lord is my Light, whom (or what) shall I fear?

He’s my salvation, whom (or what) shall I dread?

The Lord’s the Refuge and Stronghold of my life,

Of what shall I be afraid of in the ensuing strife..?

He’s my salvation, whom (or what) shall I dread? ”

(from Psalm 25 in Bless the Lord, Oh My Soul   my recently published book)

May 7, 2018

Bob Sorge, in his book, Secrets of the Secret Place, comments: “When we enter a season of distress, our first response is to cry out for relief. However, God does not always bring immediate relief because He destines the distress to produce desperation (for Himself) within us.”

This present distress has certainly produced desperation in me for Him. And I am looking to Him for my healing, for once again He has drawn my attention to the promise of healing from His Word:

^“Then they cry to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivers them out of their distresses.

 He sends forth His word and heals them and rescues them from the pit and destruction.

 Oh, that men would praise [and confess to] the Lord for His goodness and loving-kindness and His wonderful works to the children of men!” (Psalm 107:19-21)

Whether it is medicinal, or miraculously instantaneous, or the ultimate healing of the resurrection, my healing will come from Him.

But He is doing something, and I am yielded to whatever He wants to accomplish by leading me through this experience. Perhaps it’s not only for me, but for my loved ones too, as they go through this with me.

May 9, 2018

Today the thought keeps trying to get into my mind of how overwhelming the future looks. But each time the Holy Spirit pushes back and whispers to me, “You can to this day.” And I answer, “Yes, I can do today!”