In the Valley of Baca Journal #15

 

October 15, 2018  “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.”  ~Deut. 33:12 (NAS)

This Scripture verse from Deuteronomy is translated a couple different ways—in the New American Standard Bible, it says “the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders.” In most other translations that I looked at, it is translated, “The beloved of the Lord dwells in safety. The High God surrounds him all day long, and dwells between his shoulders.” (ESV)

So whether it is one the Lord loves that rests between the shoulders of the Lord, or the High God Who dwells between the shoulders of the beloved one, either way the thought is wonderful, and a precious and comforting reassurance .

 October 16, 2018:“The eternal God is your refuge and dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms.”  ~Deut. 33:27

 October 18, 2018: My first maintenance dose of chemo was supposed to be done yesterday, but was postponed because of some fluid in my abdomen of unknown origin and as seen on CT scan.  I’m scheduled for a lower GI tomorrow. Starving today on a clear liquid diet and bowel stimulants. Ugh!

October 24, 2018: Lower GI was extremely uncomfortable, but turned out to be normal.  The question remains: what is causing the fluid in the abdomen? It is definitely a bump in the road for me as it may delay my treatment in the maintenance phase even more.

I’ve been waking very early each morning—usually around 4 a.m., and as thoughts begin to assail me (as they so often do when it is dark and quiet), I try to pray. This morning I heard whispered very softly in my heart the words, “Don’t be afraid.” I’m “taking those words to the bank” so to speak.

October 27, 2018: Ultrasound of a couple days ago was inconclusive. We still don’t know why there is a pocket, or maybe pockets, of fluid. Now the dr is thinking there may possibly need to be something more invasive done—like maybe surgery?… I have an appointment with my doctor on the 31^st to find out the plan.

October 28, 2018: “Don’t ever judge God’s love based on your circumstances.  Instead, evaluate your circumstances from the perspective of God’s love.”  ~Henry Blackaby in Experiencing God Day by Day

“God is too good to be unkind, and He is too wise to be mistaken.  And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart.”  ~Charles Spurgeon

I’m trusting…

In the Valley of Baca Journal #14

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are Mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.   ~Isaiah 43:1-3

September 25, 2018: “You are Mine…” How these three words warm and comfort my heart. Not only will He be with me as I pass through my trials, but I am His. When God spoke these words through the prophet Isaiah, He was speaking directly to Israel, His chosen people—chosen to bring the Savior to the world through their blood lines. But something I love about Scripture is that God the Holy Spirit uses His Words in layers, so to speak, meaning while He originally spoke those words to the people of Israel in Isaiah’s time, He also speaks them to His children today.

“This is how we can recognize the voice of God and distinguish it from all other voices that clamor for our attention: the Lord’s voice is first of all pure.  In this voice there is no admixture of impurity, no shadow of doubt, nor hint of confusion.  It is so pure that it makes our inner being resonate like a struck gong.  As Bob Gemmell puts it, ‘A taste bud goes off in our heart.’”

~Mike Mason, The Gospel According to Job

And today He spoke His Word to my heart, that I am His.

October 6, 2018: It has taken me a few days longer than usual after this last chemo infusion of 10 days ago to begin feeling energy again. Since the end of May this year, I have had 6 major chemo infusions and also major abdominal surgery. Now, in mid-October, I begin the ‘maintenance phase’ of my treatment, which will be ongoing until next summer sometime. It is good to be finally looking back on it all. In the process I have met some lovely people—nurses and doctors who have lovingly helped me through this difficult summer. I thank God for them. Only kindness and support has been poured into my cup.

My family and friends, including church friends, have been amazing also in their prayers, support and help. Words are not adequate to express my gratitude. Though few would choose to go through an experience like this, it seems one has to do it to appreciate new levels of love and caring, of seeing the Hand of God working and His love shining through the hearts and hands of others.

October 8, 2018: “He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed.” ~Isaiah 50:4

The other side of the coin to hearing God speak through His Word, is to be paying attention and listening for His Voice.  Each morning, praying He will “waken my ear to listen.”

In the Valley of Baca Journal #13

“Your trouble began the hour He saw best: it could not come before, and He has marked the degree of it to a hair’s breadth, and a duration to the minute.”  ~John Newton

 September 4, 2018: I received my diagnosis of metastatic carcinoma, stage IV, on April 19, 2018, though it began long before when I didn’t even know—but God knew, and planned for me to go through this with Him as my  Shepherd.

“When illness, bereavement, opposition or troubles of all kinds find us, we must choose to depend solely on God’s help, and He will never, ever let us down. In fact, God even offers His wisdom to help us (James 1:5)” ~Scripture Union commentary.

 September 13, 2018: Had my 5^th chemo treatment a week ago today and I’m emerging from it, gradually feeling stronger and more energetic.  The first week after is always the most difficult, though it could be so much worse (for one thing, I haven’t been plagued with nausea and vomiting, as so many are).  I have been getting a cumulative effect of months of chemo—the side effects   grown somewhat more intense, but still on the relatively mild side. But I only have one more big dose of chemo to go in 2 weeks, after that I’ll be on maintenance, which I’m told is easier to tolerate.

September 14, 2018: I’m so thankful for the faithful prayers of family and friends—I have been uplifted in hope and encouragement through this all. Scripture tells us in James, “and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” This is what my people have done for me.

September 15,2018: My prayer in recent years upon waking each morning has been this: “How can I glorify You today, Lord?” And then I would look for some way during that day that I could praise Him, or say something about Him to another that would lift Him up in their thoughts. Recent developments in my health have turned my thoughts in the direction of trusting and praising Him through this valley of sickness—and of facing the brevity of this life, the promise of the next life, the hope we have in Jesus of eternal life. How can I glorify Him today?

 …When He has tried me, I shall come forth as gold [pure and luminous].” 

~Job 23:10 (Amplified Bible)

 

In the Valley of Baca Journal #12

August 16, 2018: (My morning text to loved ones): On our way to chemo appointment. I had the best sleep last night since I can remember when, and feel rested and good this morning. That is how I was hoping to be for this next infusion (following on the heels of surgery). The prayers are working for sure! Feeling so thankful this morning!

 

August 19,2018: Felt pretty lousy today—4th day after infusion, and I’m aching, weak and lightheaded.

August 20-21, 2018: Feeling some better these days, though not up to par yet.

 

August 22, 2018: 8th day after infusion. Energy returns today. Feeling a lift in my spirits when this happens.

 

August 26, 2018: Psalm 84:5-7 continues to give me food for thought—it is describing those who made the pilgrimage to Jerusalem each year for the feasts. “Pilgrimage”: The dictionary definition is that it is a long journey, often of religious significance. “When they come up out of the country to worship at the feasts their way lies through many a dry and sandy valley in which they are ready to perish for thirst; but, to guard against that inconvenience, they dig little pits to receive and keep the rain-water, which is ready to them and others for their refreshment. When they make the pools the rain of heaven (the early rain) fills them…In wet weather, when the rain filled the pools, either through the rising of the waters or through the dirtiness of the way were impassable; but, by draining and trenching them, they made a road through them for the benefit of those who went up to Jerusalem. ~Matthew Henry’s Commentary

 

So here on earth, in our journey through life and the valleys of our pilgrimage to our heavenly Home, we need to have in our hearts the “highways to Zion”—God’s Word sown deeply in our hearts. As we go, we will pass through valleys; some are dry and thirsty, with a need to dig pits to collect the early rain of God’s blessings—a need to deliberately seek God and wait for Him to answer, to bless; some are “valleys of weeping,” of suffering, with a need for trenching and draining to make a roadway on which we and others can walk.

 

Could it also be possible that those in the Valley of Weeping contribute their own tears of suffering as “they make it a place of springs”? Jesus said, “He who believes in Me, [who cleaves to, and trusts in, and relies on Me], as the Scripture has said, ’From his innermost being shall flow [continuously] springs of Living Water. ‘ “ (John 7:38, Amplified Bible)

 

It all seems deliberate to me—deliberately seeking God in whichever valley we find ourselves and making ourselves receptive to what He wants to give—digging pits and making roads on our pilgrimage.

 

And remembering above all, “Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) is the man (the one) whose strength is in You… They go from strength to strength…” (Psalms 84: 5,7)

In the Valley of Baca Journal #11

August 3, 2018: It’s a beautiful summer day today—birds and locust singing, hummingbirds flitting about their feeder outside my window, and I’m feeling the best I have felt so far post-op. The sleeping at night has been good for the last 3 nights, with the times stretching out  between waking for pain meds. I am still on them—and will continue for a few more days, I’m sure.

God is good—I’m rejoicing in that fact every day and feeling the effect of the prayers of so many.

August 7, 2018: Saw my doctor yesterday and was glad to hear that things—that is healing after surgery—are progressing as they should. I’ve been able to decrease my pain meds and stop the narcotic; hopefully I’ll be able to decrease the other non-narcotic pain med as soon as possible.

I felt good enough today to walk out to my garden and pick a few green beans and tomatoes! That’s the first time I’ve gone by myself since surgery 2 weeks ago today.

August 12, 2018: Chemo and surgery have left me susceptible to infections and so am battling first a cold and then some UTIs (urinary infection). I’ve been on antibiotics 3 times since mid-July. Otherwise I’m recovering well from the surgery. Praying for increased resistance to infection.

Each day I think about how I am trusting the Lord in this—completely. I’m trusting that He has a purpose in it all—and not just for me. Others close to me are seeing my walk of faith (in His strength) and are, it seems, being strengthened in their own faith. Interesting how God can make suffering meaningful.

August 13,2018: Chemo is scheduled to resume this week. I need it to find and eliminate any microscopic cancer cells that may still be lurking inside. Three more treatments, three weeks apart takes us through September. And then I will need to be on maintenance doses every three weeks for another 48 weeks—well into the summer of 2019.

I do not dread or resent this interruption of my life—it is the path the Lord has chosen for me to walk in obedience to Him and He has promised to walk it with me—“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thou are with me. Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.” (Psalm 23)

 

 

 

In the Valley of Baca Journal #10

July 20, 2018: Psalm 40:1,2 is speaking to me today:

“Patiently I waited, expectantly for the Lord. / He listened and heard my cry.

He drew me up out of the horrible pit/ Out of tumult, destruction, miry clay and grit—

Set my feet on a rock –firm, established, definite. / He listened and heard my cry.”

 

July 23,2018: Today is the day before my surgery, and I am praying this prayer with another who was actually walking in the Valley of the Shadow—one who was dying of pancreatic cancer: “We live and pray one day at a time. We pray each day and say, ‘Thank You, God, for the healing You gave me today. Please heal me tomorrow.’ ”

July 25, 2018: First day after—doing tolerably well. There’s pain, but it’s being managed and controlled.

Going into surgery, I felt no anxiety or fear, just very secure in God’s hands and the surgeon’s, and very prayed for. As the nurses were rolling my stretcher into the OR, we passed a large window in the hallway out of which I caught a glimpse of the sky and clouds. The thought struck me (the Holy Spirit so often does this) of how I was in God’s hands, and of all the lovely people (many of whom don’t even know me personally) who were praying for me, especially that morning. The thought brought such a tender feeling followed by tears. As I lay on my back with my ears filling up with tears, (and putting me in mind of the old, funny country song, “I’ve got tears in my ears/ Layin’ on my back/ Cryin’ over you!) my nurses were concerned and were asking if I was all right. And then my dear Dr. Liu saw my tears and took a tissue and wiped them away for me—such compassion is the sign of a really good doctor in my book. That is in addition to her reputation for being one of the best doctors in the country at what she does.

I woke up from the surgery in a lot of pain—apparently the epidural drip pain relief wasn’t kicking in as it should. After a little bit I did get some relief, thankfully.

This first day post-op has been a day of gradual improvement—getting out of bed, walking, eating hospital food…Each time I’m getting up it is getting a little easier.

Feelings of gratitude to the Lord are strong—what a wonderful Savior, Who doesn’t necessarily take us out of our troubles, but goes through them with us. I’m safe with Him, no matter what—and with Him is the most wonderful place to be.

 

July 26, 2018: “I am poor and needy, yet the Lord takes thought for me/ You are my Help and my Deliverer. / O my God, do not tarry!” ~Psalm 40:17

This day was a more difficult day with a lot of stomach discomfort. I was originally planning to go home today, but as it turned out, wasn’t ready yet.

 

July 30,, 2018: This is my 3^rd day at home now, and I’m feeling a bit stronger in some ways. The abdominal swelling has gone down quite a bit and I’m getting up and down more easily. Had a much dreaded vomiting episode yesterday morning, and although it was painful, it wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be, considering my large incision. On anti-nausea med now that is helping.

 

August 1, 2018: The picture accompanying this post is of a sunrise, not a sunset, and is symbolic to me of the promise and hope for the future that I have in Jesus—for this life and the next.

               

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In the Valley of Baca Journal #9

July 10, 2018

Realizing that I have a mortal illness has brought into sharp focus for me the matter of being here on earth and on the passing of time. Learning to appreciate the present moment and the meaning of life, asking  myself if I am wasting the precious time God has given me, learning to live, really live, in the present moment and in the Presence of God–for that is the only time I can actually experience His Presence—these are the lessons I am drawing from the Valley of Baca.

There is a Bill Gather song that is running through my mind: “We have this moment to hold in our hands/ And to touch as it sifts through our fingers like sand. / Yesterday’s gone and tomorrow may never come, / But we have this moment today.”

It is a rich lesson to learn…

July 18, 2018:

“Blessed be God Who has not turned away my prayer, nor His lovingkindness from me…” (Psalm 66:20)

I received wonderful news today that the two cancerous lesions that have been what the doctor has been watching since my diagnosis in April have virtually disappeared on CT scan! This is excellent news and clear evidence that God has heard and is answering our prayers so far.

The next step is for surgery, scheduled for next week Tuesday, July 24. I am cautiously optimistic… Please God, may the surgery also prove me clear of any cancerous lesions, or lymph node involvement! But it is all in Your hands…

In the Valley of Baca #8

 

June 24, 2018: This second and third week after chemo #2 have been fairly easy to tolerate. Drinking lots of water seems to be key to feeling better.

This passage from Psalms speaks to me today: “Those who trust in, lean on, and confidently hope in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved but abides and stands fast forever. As the mountains are round about Jerusalem, so the Lord is round about His people from this time forth and forever.”  (Psalm 125:1-2)

The images are of mountains and this promise is two-fold: Those who trust in the Lord are like a mountain—Mount Zion in Jerusalem—where God’s temple was built. The temple was a place to worship God, with the Holy of Holies in the innermost part where the Spirit of God actually dwelt. We who trust and lean on and hope in Him are like that, with the Holy of Holies in our innermost being—and this is forever!

The second part of the promise assures us of God’s protection. He surrounds His people with His presence forever —for all of life’s entirety, including this life, death and the next life. There is no safer place to be.

June 27, 2018: As I am sitting in the recliner at the Infusion Center, receiving my third chemo infusion, I read these words from Isaiah 57: “I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will lead him and restore comfort to him and to his mourners, creating the praise of the lips. Peace, peace to him who is far and to him who is near, says the Lord, and I will heal him.” –Isaiah 57:18,19

How beautiful and precious God’s promises are! And how kind He is to bring them to our awareness and speak them into our hearts when we need them so! Time after time the Spirit is highlighting promises of healing to me.

 June 28, 2018:

“Cultivate your relationship with Jesus,” encouraged my Dad, the farmer, who thought and spoke in agricultural terms when referring to both the physical and spiritual realms.  I’m thinking a lot about this in my time of need: We knew what it meant to “cultivate,” for we had cultivated the corn crop each summer. Operating a tractor with a “cultivator” on the back, I had spent many hours going up and down the rows of young corn, trying carefully to keep the sharp v-shaped blades between the rows of corn and not dislodging the tender young corn plants themselves.

Spiritually speaking, cultivating my relationship with Jesus meant not only growing my relationship with Him by faithfully keeping a daily quiet time with Him, but also hoeing out the spiritual weeds, the fleshly tendencies that warred against my spirit. I am grateful that I followed Dad’s advice from an early age.

Similarly, the old Chinese proverb which advises “Dig your well before you are thirsty” is advice I am appreciating as I am on this journey of cancer and its treatment. I take this as a spiritual meaning, as having walked in the way of faith for over half a century, I have dug my “well” and am now drinking from it in my time of need.

It is the way of our culture to look for peace and comfort in a bottle of booze, or some other form of self-medication such as marijuana provides, or the more extreme opioid crisis demonstrates. The best any of these can offer is temporary relief, and has to be constantly renewed to dull the inner pain or achieve the relief desired.

But the well of peace and comfort, of hope and confidence that knowing the Lord gives is completely different. My advice to anyone is to search for God now—He promises to let you find Him when you search for Him with all your heart—and when you come to Him in the way He has chosen (through His Son, Jesus Christ).  Then, when you have found Him, cultivate your relationship with Him daily. Learn to know His voice for He is constantly speaking. When your time of difficulty comes—and it surely will come—you will have dug your well of faith already from which you can drink and your thirst will be quenched with peace and hope.

July 1, 2018: I’m currently in what I’m calling my “downer days” during the first week after an infusion—lethargy and achiness. I’ll be feeling better in a few days. Surgery is on the schedule for this month.

July 3, 2018: I’m emerging from my “chemo fog” today, 7 days after infusion, feeling the aches and pains subsiding, with more energy and desire to be active. I have to guard myself to keep from overdoing once I start to feel better from the infusion. I’m so thankful I can get to this place physically considering what my body is undergoing. So thankful I’m not having to endure the potential nausea and vomiting that so many endure—a real blessing!

In the Valley of Baca Journal #6

May 30, 2018:  This is Day 14 since my first chemo infusion and my hair has started to fall out today. I don’t feel discouraged about this as I have some nice scarves and a wig ordered.  It will be a new look for me.  Planning to get my hair buzzed tomorrow by Shelley, my good neighbor.

June 1, 2018: Got my hair buzzed off today. My scalp had gotten so sore and the hair was coming out so profusely that I thought it would be more comfortable with it clipped short.  We also picked up my new wig today. I’m determined to bear these changes with the grace the Lord gives me.

I’ve been struggling also with not feeling well this week – low fevers at night—feeling blah during the day. Today I have felt a bit better but something isn’t quite right. Praying the docs can figure it out soon.

June 4, 2018: Saw the Dr today for my pre-chemo visit. My blood tests were all normal and fever was gone this morning, so I’m on schedule for my second infusion in two days. I’m feeling much better too after forcing fluids the last day or so.

June 5, 2018: “As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will not fail you or forsake you; be strong and of good courage.”  ~Joshua 1:5,6

This promise came to me yesterday in a song that I used to sing with the children. I began to ask the question: In what way was God with Moses?

• God spoke to Moses first when he was tending sheep in the desert.
• God was with Moses in conflict when He sent him before Pharoah to demand that he let God’s people go.
• God led Moses and the people through the wilderness, guiding and protecting them with a pillar of cloud by day and a pillar of fire by night.

What does this promise mean to me? What can I glean from this promise to apply to my current situation? I have found myself in the desert—the wilderness of my recent diagnosis. I can expect that He will lead me and speak to me, protect me and give the courage and faith I need to face this conflict.

“As I was with Moses…I will not fail you or forsake you.”

In the Valley of Baca Journal #5

May 22, 2018: “You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind (both its inclination and its character) is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You and hopes confidently in You.

“So trust in the Lord (commit yourself to Him, lean on Him, hope confidently in Him) forever, for the LORD God is an everlasting Rock (the Rock of Ages).”

~ Isaiah 26:3

All the prayers of so many friends and family for me to have peace are being answered as I stay my mind on Him.

 

May 24, 2018: I find this thought deeply comforting: “There is no circumstance, no trouble, no testing, that can touch me until first of all, it has gone past God and past Christ, right through to me. If it has come that far, it has come with great purpose.”~ Joni Erickson Tada, Joni and Ken, An Untold Love Story

God promises He is working in this situation concerning my disease, my treatment and healing, and He is working it together for good—for me, for my family and for His Kingdom (Romans 8:28). Joni Tada adds: “The fact is, if God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.” I’m looking forward to all that He is doing and wanting to accomplish through me.

“I trust in You, LORD; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hands.” ~Psalm 31:14-15