He who trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him.~Psalm 32:10, NKJV Is God silent in your life? What prayers has He not answered for you? At a time of unanswered prayer in my life years ago, my mother taught me the verse to a hymn that I still quote when I am totally baffled by events that seem to careen out of the orbit of what I have asked: “Trust Him when dark doubts assail thee, Trust Him when thy strength is small, Trust Him when to simply trust Him, Seems the hardest thing of all.” Is your focus on your immediate need blinding you to a greater purpose that God is working out? Would you choose to be patient and simply trust Him? Sometimes God does not answer our immediate prayer because He has something greater in store for us. ~Anne Graham Lotz
“God is too good to be unkind and He is too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart.”~Charles Spurgeon
April 4, 2021: “Nathaniel said to Him, ‘How do you know me?’ Jesus answered him, ‘Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.’”
Jesus saw me too, when I, a young teenager, was under that oak tree so many years ago, lying on the ground, looking up through the branches and leaves at the sky, wondering…
Who am I?
Why am I here?
Who is God?
He saw me and knew me even then. He put that yearning in my heart, that aching longing for something more—that longing for Him. And He knew this dilemma I would be facing at this time in my life. He is with me; He loves me. I am safe with Him.
May 9, 2021: The doctor has told me there is nothing more they can do to stop my cancer—no more treatment, we can only let it run its course. There may only be a few more weeks for me to survive in this life. So this may be my last journal recording.
“Mourner! Go sit under your ‘Beloved’s shadow with great delight.’ Hide in His wounded side! The hand which was pierced for you is ordering your trials; He who roused the storm is the hiding place from it…” ~ John MacDuff
And so now I’m passing from the Valley of Baca into the Valley of the Shadow…”I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me”…such comforting words these are…”for Thou art with me…”
December 12, 2020: This poem by Corrie Ten Boom, “Life Is But A Weaving,” touched me today It can be hard to understand the grand picture that God is working of our lives when we can only see the tapestry from the underside— the things we suffer, the troubling times, the sorrows, as long as we are living in this life. When we get to the other side, the “topside of life” in the next world with Jesus, like the topside of the tapestry, then we will understand what God was creating out of our lives as He was working “all things together for good to those who are the called according to His purpose.“(Romans 8:28)
Life Is But A Weaving
Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas and reveal the reason why.
The dark threads are as needful in the weaver’s skillful hand
As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.
He knows, He loves, He cares; nothing this truth can dim.
He gives the very best to those who leave the choice to Him.
Following is a commentary by Lance Wallnau about what is going on in the nation specifically, but I see an application to my own current experience as well: “…God is working out His plan. We just need to see the grand design through heaven’s eyes. Your life is a thread, tied into the complex and majestic grand design of the story that began in Genesis. God’s Logos, the Word of God, hovered over the chaos of a formless void. The word for this void in Hebrew is the word Tohu va-Volu, which describes a condition of confusion and unfathomable chaos. God hovers over this condition and brings out something beautiful. Looking at the earth we see the void; but looking through heaven’s eyes, we see the design. The Word of God, the Logos, gives us eyes to see what is happening.”
January 31, 2021:“For David, after he had served the purpose of God in his own generation, fell asleep and was laid with his fathers …” (Acts 13:36)I heard this verse mentioned in a sermon recently and it spoke peace to me—when I have “served the purpose of God” in my own generation, that’s when He will take me Home to be with Him forever. I feel that His purpose for me through this illness is to be a light for Him–to family, to friends. For over 50 years I have known Him—I experience His forgiveness through His blood, I have seen many answered prayers, and I’ve tasted what it is like to sense the sweetness and beauty of His Presence. He is the Beautiful One. And life forever with Him can only be beautiful.
April 25, 2020: “It’s a God-thing,” my doctor said to me as I sat in her office for a check-up. She was referring to a CT scan that I had had done the day before which had revealed that my cancer was gone (for now, anyway, praise God!), but had also revealed a large blood clot in the largest vein in my abdomen. “Most people that get this never know they have it—they just die!” The timing of the CT scan with the development of the blood clot (which apparently is common with chemotherapy) she felt was too coincidental to be accidental, and was a clear indication of God’s intervention in my life at this time.
“When I look at the way things have developed in your life over the years I have known you, it’s obvious to me that God has a plan for your life!” Her words came as a comfort to me, as the thought of a deep vein thrombosis, which I had never experienced before, and that could potentially end my life if it were to break loose, was causing me some anxiety. I had prayed and asked the Lord to give me peace about this, and now here it was. This blood clot, she said, now that we knew of it, was treatable with blood thinner. Compared with the recurring cancer, which for now appears to be under control, this is not even in the same league for concern.
So I’m giving thanks for the sign of His continuing care for me—for hearing and answering my prayer as I slid beneath the CT scanner—“Oh Jesus,” I prayed, “please let this cancer be gone!”—and the prayers of so many friends and loved ones who are faithfully lifting my name to the Father. Even my precious little grandchildren tell me that they pray that God will take away my cancer. The most recent round of chemotherapy is finished, and I have a new lease on life—on this beautiful, grassy green and rainy spring day!
January 3, 2020: Some days the Lord sends a special message to me in the Secret Place of prayer—which can happen anytime, anywhere for me—Amy Carmichael’s poem about prayer comes to mind (the title evades me), “There is a quiet, cloistered place/ As high as heaven, as fair as day/ Where though my foot may join the throng/ My soul can enter in and pray./ One harkening even cannot know/ When I have crossed the threshold o’er,/ For only He Who hears my prayer/ Has heard the shutting of the door.”
Here are some of the Spirit’s whispers to me:
“Our days may come to seventy years, or eighty, if our strength endures; yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away.” ~Psalm 90:10
“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.” ~1 Corinthians 2:9, NKJV
“The Creator Who created all the earthly beauty we have grown to love . . .
the majestic snowcapped peaks of the Alps,
the rushing mountain streams,
the carpets of wildflowers,
the whir of a humming bird’s wings . . .
this is the same Creator who has prepared our heavenly home for us! If God could make the heavens and earth as beautiful as we think they are today – which includes thousands of years of wear and tear, corruption and pollution, sin and selfishness – can you imagine what the new Heaven and the new earth will look like? It will be much more glorious than any eyes have seen, any ears have heard, or any minds have ever conceived.” ~Anne Graham Lotz
“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart…” ~Eccl.3:11
“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him” (John Piper).
January 26, 2020
Psalm 37:4-7
Take delight in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this: He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn, your vindication like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him;
Feb 24, 2020: Bill and I flew back to Florida yesterday—3 days after my 5th chemo treatment in this second round of 6 cycles. As the plane was taking off from the Grand Rapids airport, the sun was just rising in the east—golden red. Its brightness reflected on the plane’s wing, and lit the passenger cabin brightly as it rolled across the inner walls and ceiling of the plane. A beautiful song came to mind as we lifted off and up—“And He will raise you up on eagle’s wings/Bear you on the breath of dawn/ Make you to shine like the sun/ And hold you in the palm of His hand.” The song ministered hope and comfort to me. The song is called (I believe) “On Eagle’s Wings.”
March 5, 2020: I have come to realize lately how dependent I am on the Holy Spirit to maintain my sense of connection with the Lord. Total dependence. Sometimes I feel so weak in my spirit that if He does not support me, there is nothing I can do.
At dinner a couple nights ago, conversation drifted toward what it is like to know that one’s days are numbered—like for me to have a death sentence hanging over my head with this cancer diagnosis. Of course, everyone who was ever born has a death sentence hanging over them, but we tend not to think about it, especially when we are young.
But for me, I think about my mortality every day. The cancer diagnosis has caused me to go deeper into my hope of everlasting life. I am looking forward to the next phase in life—life after the death of this body. Since my diagnosis, three acquaintances of mine have died unexpectedly—younger, healthier until very recently for two of them, and an accident for the third.
The question at dinner arose: do I think it is better to know, as I do, and have time to prepare, or, would I prefer to not know ahead of time that my days are numbered? I feel that for me it has been good to have time to process—both personally and for my family. I appreciate having time to put my things in order; to think about my legacy to the family and especially the grandkids. And this knowing gives me opportunity to glorify the Lord each day that He gives me—how can I praise Him for His goodness to me?
March 14,2020: The Corona Virus has become a plague, so it seems. People, even here in the USA, are panicking and clearing out the grocery shelves of food and health products. Fear of quarantine. Today Psalm 91 comes to mind: “There shall no plague come nigh thy dwelling…”
I have to fly home to Michigan tomorrow, amid all the dire warnings about air travel, and how it is dangerous for older folks, like me, and especially if we have an underlying health problem—like me. But I am going to take precautions—and trust Him. My times are in His hands.
March 26, 2020: Psalm 91: “He that dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide beneath the shadow of the Almighty (v.1)…you shall not be afraid for the pestilence that stalks in darkness (v.6),…there shall no plague come nigh thy dwelling (v.10)…”
God’s promises await the faith of believers—in the light of what is currently going on in the world with the Covid 19 virus threatening and taking lives, I feel comforted by the promises of Psalm 91. Abiding in the “shadow of the Almighty” is the most safe place anyone could ever be—in life or in death. Having had my most recent chemo treatment last week, combined with my age being over 65, I realize I am in the high risk category. So I am taking the precautions recommended (handwashing, social distancing, sheltering at home) but will not live in fear of this disease. God’s promise covers me.
Nov. 25, 2019: “To every thing there is a season…a time to be born and a time to die…He has made everything beautiful in its time…
(Eccl.3:2,11)
My recent health issues have caused me to think a lot about life and death. Just as a time to be born comes to each of us—when we emerge from the womb and metaphorically a “mist,” before we can remember anything—just so there comes to each of us a “time to die.” How we live our lives between those two times is critical for what comes next—how we respond to the Savior when He calls to us to come to Him and yield up our lives to Him.
But when the time comes to die—does the statement of verse 11 apply? “He has made everything beautiful in its time…”? Does this apply to “a time to die”? I want to think that that is a promise I can cling to.
December 30, 2019: “The rough-looking diamond is put upon the wheel of the gem-smith. He cuts it on all sides. It loses much–much that seemed costly to itself. The king is crowned; the diadem is put upon the monarch’s head accompanied by the trumpet’s joyful sound. A glittering ray flashes from that coronet, and it beams from that same diamond that was so recently fashioned at the wheel.
You may venture to compare yourself to such a diamond, for you are one of God’s people; and this is the time of the cutting process. Let faith and patience have their perfect work, for in the day when the crown is set upon the head of the King, eternal, immortal, invisible, one ray of glory shall stream from you. “They shall be mine, says the LORD of Hosts, in the day when I make up my treasured possession.”2 “Better is the end of a thing than its beginning.’ “
~Alistair Begg
I saw this embroidered verse at the chemo treatment center where I go to receive my treatments. I would only add to one of the phases—“It cannot steal the peace that Jesus gives.”
I’m treasuring the time that I have left. Only God knows how long. In the meantime, I’m thinking about how much there is to do and how I’m hoping to be able to do it—unfinished projects; prayers for my family and friends; so much of life yet to live.
When people hear that I am undergoing chemotherapy for cancer, I see pity in their eyes—chemo is rough, but so much better than it used to be. I feel thankful for it, for it is buying me precious time with my family, and especially the grandchildren whom I adore, and for whom I pray.
Physically I am doing okay, though feeling the effects of the medicine that is saving my life. I have been able to make the trip to Florida for a time this month, and hope to do the same through April, coming home for treatments every 4 weeks .
August 22, 2019: “Your eyes shall see the King in His beauty…” (Isaiah 33:17) I feel this promise is about the life that is to come. It gives me hope.
September 3, 2019: “I shall not die but live, and shall declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord.” (Psalm 118:17) I was mildly amused recently listening to a Gospel song called “Everybody Wants To Go To Heaven, But Nobody Wants To Die.” That is a true statement.
September 14, 2019: I awoke this morning with this verse in mind: “Every day will I bless Thee—I will praise Your Name forever and ever.” (Psalm 145:2) Forever and ever goes well beyond this life. I feel like I am being reminded more and more about the next life that awaits me—that although this present life will end, life itself does not end here.
“You,
Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” (Psalm
118:28)
October 9, 2019: “God uses suffering and impending death to unfasten us from this earth and to set our minds on what lies beyond.” (Randy Alcorn in Heaven) This is so true. I’m feeling unfastened. And I’ve changed the way I’m thinking about the end of this life—instead of thinking about “when I die…” I’m framing it a “when the Lord calls me Home.” That perspective changes my outlook from a feeling of sadness to an expectation of hope and excitement for what waits beyond.
October 20, 2019:
“Courage!
For Life is hastening
To
endless Life away.
The
inner fire unwasting
Transfigures
our dull clay.
See
the stars melting, sinking
In
Lifewine golden, bright.
We
of the splendor drinking
Shall
grow to stars of light
~George
MacDonald
So the other shoe has
dropped—my latest CT scan has shown that the cancer has once more reared its
ugly head and returned. I will need to have another round of chemo immediately.
There has been some pain over the last couple months, so the chemo may actually
bring some welcome relief. Emotionally, it has been a another hard hit for me, for
my family and friends to have to work through the implications of all this once
more—not as hard as the first time, but we are still in the Valley of Weeping,
of Baca. And yet the peace of God, which passes understanding, is keeping and
guarding my heart.
None of us has more
than the present moment—we’re not even guaranteed the next breath, although we
live as if life here on earth will just go on as it always has before. I have
been made very aware of my own mortality and it is something that I think about
every day. But I think about it with thankfulness that the Lord has made
Himself known to me; and that the promises that are in the scriptures about the
life to come are real for those who believe in Him—and will become real for me at some point. For now, I will live to give
thanks for every day—and night, for the scriptures say that “For He gives blessings
to His beloved even in his sleep.” (Psalm 127:2) –days and nights,
maybe even years, that I have left to live here on earth with my beloved family
and friends.
March 8, 2019: “We have this assurance: Those who belong to God will live; their bodies will rise again! Those who sleep in the earth will rise up and sing for joy!” (Isaiah 26:19 NLT)
Such a hope we have, we who belong to God!
March 9, 2019: “My
comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise renews my life.” (Ps. 119:50)
I have learned over my years of
trusting Him, of seeing His promises to me fulfilled, that I really can trust
Him. His promise renews my life.
March 30, 2019: “Casting
the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your
concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you affectionately and
cares about you watchfully.” (I Peter 5:7 Amplified Bible)
The key word in this scripture passage for me this morning
is “casting.” As I am approaching my next round of tests—blood work, CT scan
and dr. appointments, I have found myself thinking anxiously about them—what if the cancer has come back?
I can tell myself not to worry; I can wrestle it down until
it submits, but then, in my quiet moments, find those anxious thoughts and
feelings creeping back and haunting me.
But if I CAST them on Him—letting go of them and releasing
them to Jesus—I’m handing control of my life and of what happens to me over to
Him. And He is Lord of my life. What happens to me is under His control. And I have
learned that I can trust Him Who “cares for me affectionately and cares about
me watchfully.”
“CAST your burden on
the Lord [releasing the weight of it] and He will sustain you.” (Ps. 55:22 Amplified)
“What if Thou make us able to make like Thee? To light with moons, to clothe with greenery, To hang gold sunsets o’er a rose and purple sea?” ~George MacDonald
In the
Valley of Baca Journal #18
Dec. 24, 2018: I have been encouraged by a
recent report that Lynparza, the maintenance medication I am taking, performed
excellently in three studies involving late stage ovarian cancer. Still, I’m not depending on that for my hope,
but rather on Jesus.
I have been enjoying this
Christmas season with the family, with an added depth of appreciation for them
and for life. As a friend pointed out
recently, none of us knows how many, or even if, we will have more Christmas-times
together.
Dec. 26,2018: “Your eyes will see the King in His beauty; [your eyes] will behold a
land of wide distances that stretches afar.” ~Isaiah 33:17 This promise for my future beyond this life
make that “hope ember” glow in my heart.
Jan. 6, 2019: “Ah, Lord God, behold, Thou hast made the heavens and the earth by Thy
great power and outstretched arm, and there is nothing too hard for Thee.”
~Jeremiah 32:17
I am gazing at the
awesome beauty of the morning sky here in Sanibel, Florida, planets Venus and
Jupiter lighting the eastern horizon above the sea as morning stars. The Almighty
God Who created them, by His “stretched out arm,” also created me. And, because
of Jesus, I am His—and He is mine. There
is no safer place to be.
January 23, 2019:
The sea is roaring today, and I love the sound of it. A strong wind has whipped
the waves into a frenzy.
Celebrating my 72nd
birthday tomorrow! As my grandma used to say, “I can’t believe I am this old!”
I have come to the realization that each new day in my life is a gift to be
celebrated with thankfulness.
I am thankful also for
the medication that allows me to continue on this journey. I’m feeling quite
well, although my strength is compromised and I’m dealing with some mild to
moderate side effects lingering from my summer chemotherapy treatment. But I
can live with them.
January 24, 2019: It is 6 a.m. and I find
myself meditating on the fact that 72 years ago this morning, at this time, my
mother was in labor at a hospital in Hamtramack, Michigan, about to give birth
to me in two hours at 8:25 a.m. My uncle
was her attending physician who delivered me. I had no choice in the matter—no
choice as to the hour or day of my birth, no choice as to the family I was
being born into, no choice even in my own existence. All that was predetermined for me.
However, I do now have
choices—how I live my life and with whom, whether to put my faith in God,
trusting the Lord Jesus with my life and my future—innumerable choices as I
walk through life, day by day. This life, that begins with choices being made
for us, ends in the same manner. We don’t have the right to choose when our
life here on earth is to end—although some people usurp that power and do end
their own lives. But only God, who is the Giver of life, has that right to
decide when earthly life is to end. I
trust Him—He is kind, He is loving, I am safe with Him. This is my choice.
Nov. 24,2018: “You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” (Psalm 18:28)
Nov. 27,2018: I started my maintenance chemo medication today. It is called a PARP inhibitor and is to continue indefinitely or until the cancer returns. PARP inhibitors have been shown to prolong the remission time following chemotherapy, so I am encouraged to be taking this medication. Another advantage is that it is in pill form, so I won’t be having the IV infusions now.
Dec. 2,2018: I woke up in the middle of last night with a song playing in my mind. It was a familiar hymn about how Jesus loved me more than anyone else could ever love me. Oddly, I had not heard or thought about this song for years. It played a couple of times, and I thought about it and what it meant to me—and then it faded away as I fell back asleep. And now this morning I can’t remember the song, but I do remember the message—that He loves me more than I can know! I believe this was the Holy Spirit speaking to me. “…God my Maker, Who gives songs of rejoicing in the night.” (Job 35:10)
Dec. 4,2018: That song that I heard in my mind a couple of nights ago, that I couldn’t remember in the morning, came back to me this morning: “No one ever cared for me like Jesus/ There’s no other friend so kind as He;/ No one else could take the sin and darkness from me;/ Oh, how much He cares for me!”
Dec. 6,2018: I am continually amazed by how a Scripture verse can suddenly touch me. Today’s verse: “How precious are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand.” (Psalm 139:17,18)
Dec. 11,2018: I felt a spark ignite in my heart a couple of days ago—I’m not sure what touched it off, but I think it was a Christmas song I was listening to that made me think of Heaven. I felt this intense glowing—like a candle flame—that when I considered it, was intense and bursting with joy—pure and powerful JOY!
This cancer that I have is aggressive and high grade they tell me, and has caused me to think a lot more about dying—and, in God’s time,it’s likely to take me there. When I think of leaving my family behind—my loved ones, my dear ones, I am reminded that I am still in the Valley of Weeping, as tears flow freely. But I know also that God’s timing is best—and He loves them more than I ever could. He will care for them.
A poem by Amy Carmichael comes to mind called “For My Beloved”: “For my beloved I will not fear;/ Love knows to do for him, for her,/As hitherto, whom my heart cherishes/ Are dear to Thy heart too!”
In the meantime, I’m not expecting to die anytime soon—the maintenance medicine I’m on holds promise of buying me some time yet. But the ember of hope and joy that now burns in my heart, with more intensity than ever before, opens the horizon to me of life and more life to be. And so my quest each new day continues to be: How can I praise and glorify You today, Lord?
October 30, 2018: For some reason I don’t understand entirely, until the wee hours of this morning, I hadn’t been able to ask the Lord to heal me. But in the dark and quiet of this morning, the prayer bubbled up from deep inside, “O Jesus, please heal me—heal me please!” All through this day the prayer kept repeating, quietly, urgently—“Please—heal me!”
October 31, 2018: I learned today the results of some genetic testing I had done that I have a “broken gene” and that it may lie at cause of this cancer.
November 9, 2018: I had a surgical repair done 3 days ago of a suture line from my previous surgery—a “wound dehiscence” they called it. I have been feeling quite well ever since and am thankful to God for that.
November 11, 2018: This verse speaks to me today—He will quiet you with His love…” (Zephaniah 3:17) My inner spirit has felt so peaceful and hopeful all the way through this ordeal (once the initial shock had passed)—it has to be from the Lord. I feel confident that I am in the center of His will as I pass through this Valley of Baca.
November 13,2018: “Surely God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation.” (Isaiah 12:2)
November 14,2018: As I am passing through this Valley of Weeping, and making it a “place of springs—of pools of blessings,” I am thinking about how the depth of my trust in the Lord has increased—how my hope in Him has grown—not only for this life, but to think beyond this life—to consider with more seriousness than ever, my hope for the next phase of life—beyond the grave. These are some of the “pools of blessing” in the Valley.
Another pool of blessing has been experiencing the love of so many friends, and of my family, as they have reached out to me and prayed for me.
November 15,2018: “Your God has commanded your strength; O God, display Your might and strengthen what You have wrought for us!” (Ps. 68:28)
Many friends have complimented me on my “strength” as I am going through this trial, but I know that it is God Who has strengthened me, and strengthened my faith, for on my own I would surely have succumbed to fear and sadness and hopelessness. I am totally dependent on Him for the strength to face this cancer and for the faith He is building in my heart.
“And as your days are, so will your strength, your rest and security be.” ~Deut. 33:25
November 17,2018: “How great You are, O Sovereign Lord! There is no one like You and there is no God but You!” ~2 Samuel 7:22
The sky was clear this morning while still dark just before dawn, and I stepped outside briefly to look at the stars—they always take my thoughts right to God—how amazing He is that He could create this immense and immeasurably vast and complex universe by speaking it into existence! I am ever in awe!
And then to think—that He loves me! That He came to earth as a man to give His own human life to pay the ransom for me—for anyone who will believe—so that we can be with Him forever!
“The Lord will be your everlasting Light and your God will be your glory. ~Isaiah 60:19
October 30, 2018: For some reason I don’t understand entirely, until the wee hours of this morning, I hadn’t been able to ask the Lord to heal me. But in the dark and quiet of this morning, the prayer bubbled up from deep inside, “O Jesus, please heal me—heal me please!” All through this day the prayer kept repeating, quietly, urgently—“Please—heal me!”
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