In The Valley of Baca Journal # 30

The Silence of God by Anne Graham Lotz

He who trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him.~Psalm 32:10, NKJV   Is God silent in your life? What prayers has He not answered for you? At a time of unanswered prayer in my life years ago, my mother taught me the verse to a hymn that I still quote when I am totally baffled by events that seem to careen out of the orbit of what I have asked: “Trust Him when dark doubts assail thee, Trust Him when thy strength is small, Trust Him when to simply trust Him, Seems the hardest thing of all.” Is your focus on your immediate need blinding you to a greater purpose that God is working out? Would you choose to be patient and simply trust Him? Sometimes God does not answer our immediate prayer because He has something greater in store for us. ~Anne Graham Lotz

“God is too good to be unkind and He is too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart.” ~Charles Spurgeon

April 4, 2021: “Nathaniel said to Him, ‘How do you know me?’ Jesus answered him, ‘Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.’”

Jesus saw me too, when I, a young teenager, was under that oak tree so many years ago, lying on the ground, looking up through the branches and leaves at the sky, wondering…

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Who is God?

He saw me and knew me even then. He put that yearning in my heart, that aching longing for something more—that longing for Him. And He knew this dilemma I would be facing at this time in my life. He is with me; He loves me. I am safe with Him.

May 9, 2021: The doctor has told me there is nothing more they can do to stop my cancer—no more treatment, we can only let it run its course. There may only be a few more weeks for me to survive in this life. So this may be my last journal recording.

“Mourner! Go sit under your ‘Beloved’s shadow with great delight.’ Hide in His wounded side! The hand which was pierced for you is ordering your trials; He who roused the storm is the hiding place from it…”  ~ John MacDuff

And so now I’m passing from the Valley of Baca into the Valley of the Shadow…”I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me”…such comforting words these are…”for Thou art with me…”

In the Valley of Baca Journal # 26

April 25, 2020: “It’s a God-thing,” my doctor said to me as I sat in her office for a check-up. She was referring to a CT scan that I had had done the day before which had revealed that my cancer was gone (for now, anyway, praise God!), but had also revealed a large blood clot in the largest vein in my abdomen. “Most people that get this never know they have it—they just die!” The timing of the CT scan with the development of the blood clot (which apparently is common with chemotherapy) she felt was too coincidental to be accidental, and was a clear indication of God’s intervention in my life at this time.

“When I look at the way things have developed in your life over the years I have known you, it’s obvious to me that God has a plan for your life!”  Her words came as a comfort to me, as the thought of a deep vein thrombosis, which I had never experienced before, and that could potentially end my life if it were to break loose, was causing me some anxiety. I had prayed and asked the Lord to give me peace about this, and now here it was. This blood clot, she said, now that we knew of it, was treatable with blood thinner. Compared with the recurring cancer, which for now appears to be under control, this is not even in the same league for concern.

So I’m giving thanks for the sign of His continuing care for me—for hearing and answering my prayer as I slid beneath the CT scanner—“Oh Jesus,” I prayed, “please let this cancer be gone!”—and the prayers of so many friends and loved ones who are faithfully lifting my name to the Father. Even my precious little grandchildren tell me that they pray that God will take away my cancer.  The most recent round of chemotherapy is finished, and I have a new lease on life—on this beautiful, grassy green and rainy spring day!

In the Valley of Baca Journal #24

In the Valley of Baca Journal #24

Nov. 25, 2019: “To every thing there is a season…a time to be born and a time to die…He has made everything beautiful in its time…

(Eccl.3:2,11)

My recent health issues have caused me to think a lot about life and death. Just as a time to be born comes to each of us—when we emerge from the womb and metaphorically a “mist,” before we can remember anything—just so there comes to each of us a “time to die.”  How we live our lives between those two times is critical for what comes next—how we respond to the Savior when He calls to us to come to Him and yield up our lives to Him.

But when the time comes to die—does the statement of verse 11 apply? “He has made everything beautiful in its time…”? Does this apply to “a time to die”? I want to think that that is a promise I can cling to.

 December 30, 2019: “The rough-looking diamond is put upon the wheel of the gem-smith. He cuts it on all sides. It loses much–much that seemed costly to itself. The king is crowned; the diadem is put upon the monarch’s head accompanied by the trumpet’s joyful sound. A glittering ray flashes from that coronet, and it beams from that same diamond that was so recently fashioned at the wheel.

You may venture to compare yourself to such a diamond, for you are one of God’s people; and this is the time of the cutting process. Let faith and patience have their perfect work, for in the day when the crown is set upon the head of the King, eternal, immortal, invisible, one ray of glory shall stream from you. “They shall be mine, says the LORD of Hosts, in the day when I make up my treasured possession.”² “Better is the end of a thing than its beginning.’ “

~Alistair Begg

I saw this embroidered verse at the chemo treatment center where I go to receive my treatments. I would only add to one of the phases—“It cannot steal the peace that Jesus gives.”

I’m treasuring the time that I have left. Only God knows how long. In the meantime, I’m thinking about how much there is to do and how I’m hoping to be able to do it—unfinished projects; prayers for my family and friends; so much of life yet to live.

When people hear that I am undergoing chemotherapy for cancer, I see pity in their eyes—chemo is rough, but so much better than it used to be. I feel thankful for it, for it is buying me precious time with my family, and especially the grandchildren whom I adore, and for whom I pray.

Physically I am doing okay, though feeling the effects of the medicine that is saving my life. I have been able to make the trip to Florida for a time this month, and hope to do the same through April, coming home for treatments every 4 weeks .

Life is good. God is good! I’m thankful!

In the Valley of Baca Journal #23

August 22, 2019: “Your eyes shall see the King in His beauty…” (Isaiah 33:17) I feel this promise is about the life that is to come. It gives me hope.

September 3, 2019: “I shall not die but live, and shall declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord.” (Psalm 118:17)            I was mildly amused recently listening to a Gospel song called “Everybody Wants To Go To Heaven, But Nobody Wants To Die.”  That is a true statement. 

September 14, 2019: I awoke this morning with this verse in mind: “Every day will I bless Thee—I will praise Your Name forever and ever.” (Psalm 145:2)  Forever and ever goes well beyond this life. I feel like I am being reminded more and more about the next life that awaits me—that although this present life will end, life itself does not end here.

“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” (Psalm 118:28)

October 9, 2019: “God uses suffering and impending death to unfasten us from this earth and to set our minds on what lies beyond.” (Randy Alcorn in Heaven)  This is so true. I’m feeling unfastened. And I’ve changed the way I’m thinking about the end of this life—instead of thinking about “when I die…” I’m framing it a “when the Lord calls me Home.” That perspective changes my outlook from a feeling of sadness to an expectation of hope and excitement for what waits beyond.

October 20, 2019:

“Courage! 
For Life is hastening

To endless Life away.

The inner fire unwasting

Transfigures our dull clay.

See the stars melting, sinking

In Lifewine golden, bright.

We of the splendor drinking

Shall grow to stars of light

~George MacDonald

So the other shoe has dropped—my latest CT scan has shown that the cancer has once more reared its ugly head and returned. I will need to have another round of chemo immediately. There has been some pain over the last couple months, so the chemo may actually bring some welcome relief. Emotionally, it has been a another hard hit for me, for my family and friends to have to work through the implications of all this once more—not as hard as the first time, but we are still in the Valley of Weeping, of Baca. And yet the peace of God, which passes understanding, is keeping and guarding my heart.

None of us has more than the present moment—we’re not even guaranteed the next breath, although we live as if life here on earth will just go on as it always has before. I have been made very aware of my own mortality and it is something that I think about every day. But I think about it with thankfulness that the Lord has made Himself known to me; and that the promises that are in the scriptures about the life to come are real for those who believe in Him—and will become real for  me at some point. For now, I will live to give thanks for every day—and night, for the scriptures say that “For He gives blessings to His beloved even in his sleep.” (Psalm 127:2) –days and nights, maybe even years, that I have left to live here on earth with my beloved family and friends.

In the Valley of Baca Journal #17

Nov. 24,2018: “You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” (Psalm 18:28)

Nov. 27,2018: I started my maintenance chemo medication today. It is called a PARP inhibitor and is to continue indefinitely or until the cancer returns. PARP inhibitors have been shown to prolong the remission time following chemotherapy, so I am encouraged to be taking this medication. Another advantage is that it is in pill form, so I won’t be having the IV infusions now.

Dec. 2,2018: I woke up in the middle of last night with a song playing in my mind.  It was a familiar hymn about how Jesus loved me more than anyone else could ever love me. Oddly, I had not heard or thought about this song for years. It played a couple of times, and I thought about it and what it meant to me—and then it faded away as I fell back asleep.  And now this morning I can’t remember the song, but I do remember the message—that He loves me more than I can know! I believe this was the Holy Spirit speaking to me. “…God my Maker, Who gives songs of rejoicing in the night.” (Job 35:10)

Dec. 4,2018: That song that I heard in my mind a couple of nights ago, that I couldn’t remember in the morning, came back to me this morning: “No one ever cared for me like Jesus/ There’s no other friend so kind as He;/ No one else could take the sin and darkness from me;/ Oh, how much He cares for me!”

Dec. 6,2018: I am continually amazed by how a Scripture verse can suddenly touch me. Today’s verse: “How precious are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!  Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand.” (Psalm 139:17,18)

Dec. 11,2018: I felt a spark ignite in my heart a couple of days ago—I’m not sure what touched it off, but I think it was a Christmas song I was listening to that made me think of Heaven. I felt this intense glowing—like a candle flame—that when I considered it, was intense and bursting with joy—pure and powerful JOY!

This cancer that I have is aggressive and high grade they tell me, and has caused me to think a lot more about dying—and, in God’s time,it’s likely to take me there.  When I think of leaving my family behind—my loved ones, my dear ones, I am reminded that I am still in the Valley of Weeping, as tears flow freely.  But I know also that God’s timing is best—and He loves them more than I ever could. He will care for them.

A poem by Amy Carmichael comes to mind called “For My Beloved”: “For my beloved I will not fear;/ Love knows to do for him, for her,/As hitherto, whom my heart cherishes/ Are dear to Thy heart too!”

In the meantime, I’m not expecting to die anytime soon—the maintenance medicine I’m on holds promise of buying me some time yet. But the ember of hope and joy that now burns in my heart, with more intensity than ever before, opens the horizon to me of life and more life to be.  And so my quest each new day continues to be: How can I praise and glorify You today, Lord?

In The Valley of Baca Journal #16

October 30, 2018: For some reason I don’t understand entirely, until the wee hours of this morning, I hadn’t been able to ask the Lord to heal me.  But in the dark and quiet of this morning, the prayer bubbled up from deep inside, “O Jesus, please heal me—heal me please!”  All through this day the prayer kept repeating, quietly, urgently—“Please—heal me!”

October 31, 2018: I learned today the results of some genetic testing I had done that I have a “broken gene” and that it may lie at cause of this cancer.

November 9, 2018: I had a surgical repair done 3 days ago of a suture line from my previous surgery—a “wound dehiscence” they called it. I have been feeling quite well ever since and am thankful to God for that.

November 11, 2018: This verse speaks to me today—He will quiet you with His love…” (Zephaniah 3:17) My inner spirit has felt so peaceful and hopeful all the way through this ordeal (once the initial shock had passed)—it has to be from the Lord. I feel confident that I am in the center of His will as I pass through this Valley of Baca.

November 13,2018: “Surely God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation.” (Isaiah 12:2)

November 14,2018: As I am passing through this Valley of Weeping, and making it a “place of springs—of pools of blessings,” I am thinking about how the depth of my trust in the Lord has increased—how my hope in Him has grown—not only for this life, but to think beyond this life—to consider with more seriousness than ever, my hope for the next phase of life—beyond the grave. These are some of the “pools of blessing” in the Valley.

Another pool of blessing has been experiencing the love of so many friends, and of my family, as they have reached out to me and prayed for me.

November 15,2018: “Your God has commanded your strength; O God, display Your might and strengthen what You have wrought for us!” (Ps. 68:28)

Many friends have complimented me on my “strength” as I am going through this trial, but I know that it is God Who has strengthened me, and strengthened my faith, for on my own I would surely have succumbed to fear and sadness and hopelessness.  I am totally dependent on Him for the strength to face this cancer and for the faith He is building in my heart.

“And as your days are, so will your strength, your rest and security be.” ~Deut. 33:25

November 17,2018: “How great You are, O Sovereign Lord! There is no one like You and there is no God but You!”  ~2 Samuel 7:22

The sky was clear this morning while still dark just before dawn, and I stepped outside briefly to look at the stars—they always take my thoughts right to God—how amazing He is that He could create this immense and immeasurably vast and complex universe by speaking it into existence!  I am ever in awe!

And then to think—that He loves me! That He came to earth as a man to give His own human life to pay the ransom for me—for anyone who will believe—so that we can be with Him forever!

“The Lord will be your everlasting Light and your God will be your glory.  ~Isaiah 60:19

In the Valley of Baca Journal #11

August 3, 2018: It’s a beautiful summer day today—birds and locust singing, hummingbirds flitting about their feeder outside my window, and I’m feeling the best I have felt so far post-op. The sleeping at night has been good for the last 3 nights, with the times stretching out  between waking for pain meds. I am still on them—and will continue for a few more days, I’m sure.

God is good—I’m rejoicing in that fact every day and feeling the effect of the prayers of so many.

August 7, 2018: Saw my doctor yesterday and was glad to hear that things—that is healing after surgery—are progressing as they should. I’ve been able to decrease my pain meds and stop the narcotic; hopefully I’ll be able to decrease the other non-narcotic pain med as soon as possible.

I felt good enough today to walk out to my garden and pick a few green beans and tomatoes! That’s the first time I’ve gone by myself since surgery 2 weeks ago today.

August 12, 2018: Chemo and surgery have left me susceptible to infections and so am battling first a cold and then some UTIs (urinary infection). I’ve been on antibiotics 3 times since mid-July. Otherwise I’m recovering well from the surgery. Praying for increased resistance to infection.

Each day I think about how I am trusting the Lord in this—completely. I’m trusting that He has a purpose in it all—and not just for me. Others close to me are seeing my walk of faith (in His strength) and are, it seems, being strengthened in their own faith. Interesting how God can make suffering meaningful.

August 13,2018: Chemo is scheduled to resume this week. I need it to find and eliminate any microscopic cancer cells that may still be lurking inside. Three more treatments, three weeks apart takes us through September. And then I will need to be on maintenance doses every three weeks for another 48 weeks—well into the summer of 2019.

I do not dread or resent this interruption of my life—it is the path the Lord has chosen for me to walk in obedience to Him and He has promised to walk it with me—“Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for Thou are with me. Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.” (Psalm 23)

 

 

 

In the Valley of Baca Journal #9

July 10, 2018

Realizing that I have a mortal illness has brought into sharp focus for me the matter of being here on earth and on the passing of time. Learning to appreciate the present moment and the meaning of life, asking  myself if I am wasting the precious time God has given me, learning to live, really live, in the present moment and in the Presence of God–for that is the only time I can actually experience His Presence—these are the lessons I am drawing from the Valley of Baca.

There is a Bill Gather song that is running through my mind: “We have this moment to hold in our hands/ And to touch as it sifts through our fingers like sand. / Yesterday’s gone and tomorrow may never come, / But we have this moment today.”

It is a rich lesson to learn…

July 18, 2018:

“Blessed be God Who has not turned away my prayer, nor His lovingkindness from me…” (Psalm 66:20)

I received wonderful news today that the two cancerous lesions that have been what the doctor has been watching since my diagnosis in April have virtually disappeared on CT scan! This is excellent news and clear evidence that God has heard and is answering our prayers so far.

The next step is for surgery, scheduled for next week Tuesday, July 24. I am cautiously optimistic… Please God, may the surgery also prove me clear of any cancerous lesions, or lymph node involvement! But it is all in Your hands…

In the Valley of Baca

 

 

I have recently received the startling news that I have cancer. I’m joining the ranks of so many who have walked this way before me, but I never expected to be going this way myself. I have started keeping a journal of thoughts in case they might help someone else who finds themselves on a similar life journey.

 Journal Entry #1

April 26, 2018

The Valley of Baca (The Valley of Weeping)

When will the tears stop falling? It’s been a week since I got the news—cancer—metastatic cancer no less! I am blind-sided by this news. All future plans come to a screeching halt as I try to process and get my mind around this. And not only am I stunned—my husband, my daughters and close family are all reeling. What does this mean for me…for my family?

Psalm 84:6—“Passing through the Valley of Baca (the Valley of Weeping), they make it a place of springs; the early rain also fills the pools with blessings. They go from strength to strength…”

Beneath all this, this tumultuous storm, there is the calm—the peace that passes understanding—the peace that Jesus gives. A century ago George MacDonald wrote, “Out of strange strife Thy peace is strangely wrought.” Strange strife indeed—and His peace keeping me from fear.  As more and more family and friends are learning of these latest developments, the love and prayers are buoying me up as on a wave. So many praying for me—so much love!

C.S. Lewis stated, “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts to us in our pain…”  I am hearing the shouting, and I am passing through the Valley of Weeping now. It will prove to be a place of blessings, of springs that would be otherwise never known. And the beautiful promise: “They go from strength to strength…”  Yes, I will go from strength to strength.