In The Valley of Baca Journal # 30

The Silence of God by Anne Graham Lotz

He who trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him.~Psalm 32:10, NKJV   Is God silent in your life? What prayers has He not answered for you? At a time of unanswered prayer in my life years ago, my mother taught me the verse to a hymn that I still quote when I am totally baffled by events that seem to careen out of the orbit of what I have asked: “Trust Him when dark doubts assail thee, Trust Him when thy strength is small, Trust Him when to simply trust Him, Seems the hardest thing of all.” Is your focus on your immediate need blinding you to a greater purpose that God is working out? Would you choose to be patient and simply trust Him? Sometimes God does not answer our immediate prayer because He has something greater in store for us. ~Anne Graham Lotz

“God is too good to be unkind and He is too wise to be mistaken. And when we cannot trace His hand, we must trust His heart.” ~Charles Spurgeon

April 4, 2021: “Nathaniel said to Him, ‘How do you know me?’ Jesus answered him, ‘Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you.’”

Jesus saw me too, when I, a young teenager, was under that oak tree so many years ago, lying on the ground, looking up through the branches and leaves at the sky, wondering…

Who am I?

Why am I here?

Who is God?

He saw me and knew me even then. He put that yearning in my heart, that aching longing for something more—that longing for Him. And He knew this dilemma I would be facing at this time in my life. He is with me; He loves me. I am safe with Him.

May 9, 2021: The doctor has told me there is nothing more they can do to stop my cancer—no more treatment, we can only let it run its course. There may only be a few more weeks for me to survive in this life. So this may be my last journal recording.

“Mourner! Go sit under your ‘Beloved’s shadow with great delight.’ Hide in His wounded side! The hand which was pierced for you is ordering your trials; He who roused the storm is the hiding place from it…”  ~ John MacDuff

And so now I’m passing from the Valley of Baca into the Valley of the Shadow…”I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me”…such comforting words these are…”for Thou art with me…”

In the Valley of Baca Journal #29

From the underside

In the Valley of Baca Journal #29

December 12, 2020: This poem by Corrie Ten Boom, “Life Is But A Weaving,” touched me today  It can be hard to understand the grand picture that God is working of our lives when we can only see the tapestry from the underside— the things we suffer, the troubling times, the sorrows, as long as we are living in this life. When we get to the other side, the “topside of life” in the next world with Jesus, like the topside of the tapestry, then we will understand what God was creating out of our lives as He was working “all things together for good to those who are the called according to His purpose.“(Romans 8:28)

Life Is But A Weaving

Not till the loom is silent and the shuttles cease to fly

Will God unroll the canvas and reveal the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful in the weaver’s skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares; nothing this truth can dim.

He gives the very best to those who leave the choice to Him.

Following is a commentary by Lance Wallnau about what is going on in the nation specifically, but I see an application to my own current experience as well:  “…God is working out His plan. We just need to see the grand design through heaven’s eyes. Your life is a thread, tied into the complex and majestic grand design of the story that began in Genesis. God’s Logos, the Word of God, hovered over the chaos of a formless void. The word for this void in Hebrew is the word Tohu va-Volu, which describes a condition of confusion and unfathomable chaos. God hovers over this condition and brings out something beautiful. Looking at the earth we see the void; but looking through heaven’s eyes, we see the design. The Word of God, the Logos, gives us eyes to see what is happening.”

January 31, 2021:  “For David, after he had served the purpose of God in his own generation, fell asleep and was laid with his fathers …” (Acts 13:36)I heard this verse mentioned in a sermon recently and it spoke peace to me—when I have “served the purpose of God” in my own generation, that’s when He will take me Home to be with Him forever.  I feel that His purpose for me through this illness is to be a light for Him–to family, to friends. For over 50 years I have known Him—I experience His forgiveness through His blood, I have seen many answered prayers, and I’ve tasted what it is like to sense the sweetness and beauty of His Presence. He is the Beautiful One. And life forever with Him can only be beautiful.

In the Valley of Baca Journal #28

“The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hind’s feet, and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]!” (Habakkuk 3:19)

November 12, 2020: “When you accept … that God is in control of [hard seasons], you will discover a sense of Divine refuge, because hope then is in God and not yourself.” ~Charles R. Swindoll

I am currently undergoing my third round of chemotherapy in 2 ½ years since I was diagnosed with cancer. This is one of those “hard seasons” mentioned in the quote.  And it is true what Swindoll says—that “you will discover a sense of Divine refuge, because hope then is in God and not yourself.”

November 28, 2020: I have been to the hospital ER twice in the last month, the last time ending 2 days ago after a 4 day stay to treat an infection that has been afflicting me, rather severely recently. Back home now, I’m feeling much better, but know this will probably not be the end of the problems.

I find myself thinking a lot about the end of this life—it is such a mystery when I think of others who have died, family members whom I knew and loved that have gone on to the next life ahead of me. And now, soon, it seems, it will be my turn. If I could spare my loved ones this grief of separation, I would. But it is inevitable that at some point, I will have to leave them—but not without hope—the hope that is in God, the Divine Refuge, and not ourselves.

In the Valley of Baca Journal #27

June 25, 2020: I enjoy collecting poignant and meaningful quotes from things I’ve read, such as: “Take the very hardest thing in your life—the place of difficulty, outward or inward, and expect God to triumph gloriously in that very spot. Just there He can bring your soul into blossom.” ~Lilias Trotter. Parables of the Cross, (quoted in A Passion for the Impossible: The Life of Lilias Trotter, by Miriam Huffman Rockness, pg. 49).

August 1, 2020: “My body is for the Lord, and the Lord is for my body.” This thought comforts me—for whatever the future holds.

Aug. 4, 2020: “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what, is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but  what is unseen is eternal.”

“If we try to rescue God from His sovereignty over suffering, we sacrifice His sovereignty to turn all things for good.”  ~John Piper in Coronavirus and Christ, pg.45. And He has promised “to work all things together for good…” Romans 8:28.

August 16, 2020: “This is the overcoming Christian life. It is the life in which a Christian can be content with whatever comes his way—even trouble (Hebr. 13:5). Most of us are glad when things go well. How many of us can give thanks and praise when things go wrong?” ~W. Phillip Keller in A Shepherd Looks at Psalm 23.

September 1, 2020:  Sometimes, in the sleepless hours of the night, or in the early morning when I first wake up, I struggle with negative thoughts—feeling uncertain about my future with this cancer, sometimes not even wanting to get out of bed to face the day. I have found it helps to fix my thoughts on Jesus—Who He is and what He has done.

In order to help myself do this, one thing that I do is to recite to myself a poem I have memorized which I myself wrote a number of years ago while I was out west on a skiing trip with my family. I found it very challenging to try to poetically describe the living God. I’m sharing it here in case it might help someone else to think about the astounding beauty of God—perhaps in those early morning hours when negative thoughts assail—and to meditate on how amazing and wonderful He is.

The One I Love

I gaze on mountain majesty,

Its jutted strength and grandeur bright

Cannot compare to the One I love,

Who clothes Himself in robes of light.

More radiant than the fiery sun

That lights and warms with its embrace,

The essence of His glory shines

In the beauty of the Almighty’s face.

From tiny universe of cells

And molecules of inner space,

To endless reach of cosmic realms

Beyond all measure, in Him interface.

The One I love is immense in strength,

Is infinite in wisdom and knowledge of all;

And His love surpasses in prodigious lengths

All human understanding, so meagerly small.

The One I love is beyond description,

Excelling in kindness and unending grace;

Like the countless diamonds on snow in sunlight,

His mercies burst forth leaving brilliant trace.

There is no one like Him, there is none to compare,

He is God of all life and creation;

King of all kings and Lord of all lords,

And He rules all without stipulation.

The One I love, so tender yet strong,

Magnificent mercy imparts;

Holiest power and limitless love

Joining hands in His infinite heart.

Incomprehensible myst’ry, paradoxical truth,

That such Majesty, Glory and Power

Would wear thorns for a crown and in agony die

In Eternity’s darkest hour…

That for love of Creation, all His creatures so lost,

He’d partake with the sons of earth;

Feel our pain, die our death, bear our judgment in grief,

To bring us to second birth.

The One I love, majestic, serene,

Chose to bring us to Life by His dying;

And in Resurrection’s glorious beam,

To quicken souls in death’s grip lying.

Oh, unsearchable depths of His greatness, His joy,

Inscrutable in goodness and skill;

Using all the words that Earth’s tongues can employ,

The One I love—the God I love—is more wonderful still!

In the Valley of Baca Journal # 26

April 25, 2020: “It’s a God-thing,” my doctor said to me as I sat in her office for a check-up. She was referring to a CT scan that I had had done the day before which had revealed that my cancer was gone (for now, anyway, praise God!), but had also revealed a large blood clot in the largest vein in my abdomen. “Most people that get this never know they have it—they just die!” The timing of the CT scan with the development of the blood clot (which apparently is common with chemotherapy) she felt was too coincidental to be accidental, and was a clear indication of God’s intervention in my life at this time.

“When I look at the way things have developed in your life over the years I have known you, it’s obvious to me that God has a plan for your life!”  Her words came as a comfort to me, as the thought of a deep vein thrombosis, which I had never experienced before, and that could potentially end my life if it were to break loose, was causing me some anxiety. I had prayed and asked the Lord to give me peace about this, and now here it was. This blood clot, she said, now that we knew of it, was treatable with blood thinner. Compared with the recurring cancer, which for now appears to be under control, this is not even in the same league for concern.

So I’m giving thanks for the sign of His continuing care for me—for hearing and answering my prayer as I slid beneath the CT scanner—“Oh Jesus,” I prayed, “please let this cancer be gone!”—and the prayers of so many friends and loved ones who are faithfully lifting my name to the Father. Even my precious little grandchildren tell me that they pray that God will take away my cancer.  The most recent round of chemotherapy is finished, and I have a new lease on life—on this beautiful, grassy green and rainy spring day!

In the Valley of Baca Journal #25

January 3, 2020: Some days the Lord sends a special message to me in the Secret Place of prayer—which can happen anytime, anywhere for me—Amy Carmichael’s poem about prayer comes to mind (the title evades me), “There is a quiet, cloistered place/ As high as heaven, as fair as day/ Where though my foot may join the throng/ My soul can enter in and pray./ One harkening even cannot know/ When I have crossed the threshold o’er,/ For only He Who hears my prayer/ Has heard the shutting of the door.”

Here are some of the Spirit’s whispers to me:

“Our days may come to seventy years,
or eighty, if our strength endures;
yet the best of them are but trouble and sorrow,
for they quickly pass, and we fly away.”  ~Psalm 90:10

 “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.” ~1 Corinthians 2:9, NKJV

 “The Creator Who created all the earthly beauty we have grown to love . . .

the majestic snowcapped peaks of the Alps,

the rushing mountain streams,

the carpets of wildflowers,

the whir of a humming bird’s wings . . .

this is the same Creator who has prepared our heavenly home for us! If God could make the heavens and earth as beautiful as we think they are today – which includes thousands of years of wear and tear, corruption and pollution, sin and selfishness – can you imagine what the new Heaven and the new earth will look like? It will be much more glorious than any eyes have seen, any ears have heard, or any minds have ever conceived.” ~Anne Graham Lotz

“He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart…” ~Eccl.3:11

“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him” (John Piper).

January 26, 2020

Psalm 37:4-7

 Take delight in the Lord,
and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in Him and He will do this:
 He will make your righteous reward shine like the dawn,
your vindication like the noonday sun.

 Be still before the Lord
and wait patiently for Him;

Feb 24, 2020: Bill and I flew back to Florida yesterday—3 days after my 5^th chemo treatment in this second round of 6 cycles. As the plane was taking off from the Grand Rapids airport, the sun was just rising in the east—golden red. Its brightness reflected on the plane’s wing, and lit the passenger cabin brightly as it rolled across the inner walls and ceiling of the plane. A beautiful song came to mind as we lifted off and up—“And He will raise you up on eagle’s wings/Bear you on the breath of dawn/ Make you to shine like the sun/ And hold you in the palm of His hand.” The song ministered hope and comfort to me. The song is called (I believe) “On Eagle’s Wings.”

March 5, 2020: I have come to realize lately how dependent I am on the Holy Spirit to maintain my sense of connection with the Lord. Total dependence. Sometimes I feel so weak in my spirit that if He does not support me, there is nothing I can do.

At dinner a couple nights ago, conversation drifted toward what it is like to know that one’s days are numbered—like for me to have a death sentence hanging over my head with this cancer diagnosis.  Of course, everyone who was ever born has a death sentence hanging over them, but we tend not to think about it, especially when we are young.

But for me, I think about my mortality every day. The cancer diagnosis has caused me to go deeper into my hope of everlasting life. I am looking forward to the next phase in life—life after the death of this body. Since my diagnosis, three acquaintances of mine have died unexpectedly—younger, healthier until very recently for two of them, and an accident for the third.

The question at dinner arose: do I think it is better to know, as I do, and have time to prepare, or, would I prefer to not know ahead of time that my days are numbered? I feel that for me it has been good to have time to process—both personally and for my family. I appreciate having time to put my things in order; to think about my legacy to the family and especially the grandkids. And this knowing gives me opportunity to glorify the Lord each day that He gives me—how can I praise Him for His goodness to me?

March 14,2020: The Corona Virus has become a plague, so it seems. People, even here in the USA, are panicking and clearing out the grocery shelves of food and health products. Fear of quarantine. Today Psalm 91 comes to mind: “There shall no plague come nigh thy dwelling…”

I have to fly home to Michigan tomorrow, amid all the dire warnings about air travel, and how it is dangerous for older folks, like me, and especially if we have an underlying health problem—like me. But I am going to take precautions—and trust Him. My times are in His hands.

March 26, 2020: Psalm 91: “He that dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide beneath the shadow of the Almighty (v.1)…you shall not be afraid for the  pestilence that stalks in darkness (v.6),…there shall no plague come nigh thy dwelling (v.10)…”

God’s promises await the faith of believers—in the light of what is currently going on in the world with the Covid 19 virus threatening and taking lives, I feel comforted by the promises of Psalm 91. Abiding in the “shadow of the Almighty” is the most safe place anyone could ever be—in life or in death. Having had my most recent chemo treatment last week, combined with my age being over 65, I realize I am in the high risk category. So I am taking the precautions recommended (handwashing, social distancing, sheltering at home) but will not live in fear of this disease. God’s promise covers me.

In the Valley of Baca Journal #24

In the Valley of Baca Journal #24

Nov. 25, 2019: “To every thing there is a season…a time to be born and a time to die…He has made everything beautiful in its time…

(Eccl.3:2,11)

My recent health issues have caused me to think a lot about life and death. Just as a time to be born comes to each of us—when we emerge from the womb and metaphorically a “mist,” before we can remember anything—just so there comes to each of us a “time to die.”  How we live our lives between those two times is critical for what comes next—how we respond to the Savior when He calls to us to come to Him and yield up our lives to Him.

But when the time comes to die—does the statement of verse 11 apply? “He has made everything beautiful in its time…”? Does this apply to “a time to die”? I want to think that that is a promise I can cling to.

 December 30, 2019: “The rough-looking diamond is put upon the wheel of the gem-smith. He cuts it on all sides. It loses much–much that seemed costly to itself. The king is crowned; the diadem is put upon the monarch’s head accompanied by the trumpet’s joyful sound. A glittering ray flashes from that coronet, and it beams from that same diamond that was so recently fashioned at the wheel.

You may venture to compare yourself to such a diamond, for you are one of God’s people; and this is the time of the cutting process. Let faith and patience have their perfect work, for in the day when the crown is set upon the head of the King, eternal, immortal, invisible, one ray of glory shall stream from you. “They shall be mine, says the LORD of Hosts, in the day when I make up my treasured possession.”² “Better is the end of a thing than its beginning.’ “

~Alistair Begg

I saw this embroidered verse at the chemo treatment center where I go to receive my treatments. I would only add to one of the phases—“It cannot steal the peace that Jesus gives.”

I’m treasuring the time that I have left. Only God knows how long. In the meantime, I’m thinking about how much there is to do and how I’m hoping to be able to do it—unfinished projects; prayers for my family and friends; so much of life yet to live.

When people hear that I am undergoing chemotherapy for cancer, I see pity in their eyes—chemo is rough, but so much better than it used to be. I feel thankful for it, for it is buying me precious time with my family, and especially the grandchildren whom I adore, and for whom I pray.

Physically I am doing okay, though feeling the effects of the medicine that is saving my life. I have been able to make the trip to Florida for a time this month, and hope to do the same through April, coming home for treatments every 4 weeks .

Life is good. God is good! I’m thankful!

In the Valley of Baca Journal #23

August 22, 2019: “Your eyes shall see the King in His beauty…” (Isaiah 33:17) I feel this promise is about the life that is to come. It gives me hope.

September 3, 2019: “I shall not die but live, and shall declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord.” (Psalm 118:17)            I was mildly amused recently listening to a Gospel song called “Everybody Wants To Go To Heaven, But Nobody Wants To Die.”  That is a true statement. 

September 14, 2019: I awoke this morning with this verse in mind: “Every day will I bless Thee—I will praise Your Name forever and ever.” (Psalm 145:2)  Forever and ever goes well beyond this life. I feel like I am being reminded more and more about the next life that awaits me—that although this present life will end, life itself does not end here.

“You, Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” (Psalm 118:28)

October 9, 2019: “God uses suffering and impending death to unfasten us from this earth and to set our minds on what lies beyond.” (Randy Alcorn in Heaven)  This is so true. I’m feeling unfastened. And I’ve changed the way I’m thinking about the end of this life—instead of thinking about “when I die…” I’m framing it a “when the Lord calls me Home.” That perspective changes my outlook from a feeling of sadness to an expectation of hope and excitement for what waits beyond.

October 20, 2019:

“Courage! 
For Life is hastening

To endless Life away.

The inner fire unwasting

Transfigures our dull clay.

See the stars melting, sinking

In Lifewine golden, bright.

We of the splendor drinking

Shall grow to stars of light

~George MacDonald

So the other shoe has dropped—my latest CT scan has shown that the cancer has once more reared its ugly head and returned. I will need to have another round of chemo immediately. There has been some pain over the last couple months, so the chemo may actually bring some welcome relief. Emotionally, it has been a another hard hit for me, for my family and friends to have to work through the implications of all this once more—not as hard as the first time, but we are still in the Valley of Weeping, of Baca. And yet the peace of God, which passes understanding, is keeping and guarding my heart.

None of us has more than the present moment—we’re not even guaranteed the next breath, although we live as if life here on earth will just go on as it always has before. I have been made very aware of my own mortality and it is something that I think about every day. But I think about it with thankfulness that the Lord has made Himself known to me; and that the promises that are in the scriptures about the life to come are real for those who believe in Him—and will become real for  me at some point. For now, I will live to give thanks for every day—and night, for the scriptures say that “For He gives blessings to His beloved even in his sleep.” (Psalm 127:2) –days and nights, maybe even years, that I have left to live here on earth with my beloved family and friends.

In the Valley of Baca Journal #22

May 6, 2019: “So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own.  Sufficient for each day is its own trouble.” ~Matt. 6:34

The Holy Spirit keeps calling me back to this thought—this day is for the living; He wants me to live this day in His Presence, doing this days’ tasks; worshiping Him, hearing and obeying Him today.

May 8, 2019: This verse spoke to me today: “Whether we live, we live to the Lord, and if we die, we die to the Lord. So then, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.” ~Romans 14:8

May 9, 2019: “If you are questioning the sufficiency of God’s power to resolve your problems and pressures, your suffering and stress, your crisis and change, His answer is the same. The infinite power of the Living Logos of God is adequate for any need you or I will ever have.

“We may intellectually grasp the truth that God’s power is adequate, but we can never know that by experience if we stay in our comfort zone. If all you ever attempt is what you know you can do yourself, if all your needs seem to be met through someone or something other than God, if you never have any difficulties that are greater than you can bear – how will you know the awesome greatness and personal availability of His infinite power? It’s when the Red Sea is before you, the mountains are on one side of you, the desert is on the other side, and you feel the Egyptian army closing in from behind that you experience His power to open up an escape route. He has power to do the supernatural, the unthinkable, the impossible.” ~Anne Graham Lotz

May 22, 2019: “Delight yourself in the Lord” (Psalm 37:4). I am being reminded of these words which the Lord spoke to me many years ago when I was in a transitional time in my life. I was experiencing an inward restlessness, and wondering what my purpose was to be.  Those five words, when I began to implement them every day no matter what I was doing, led me into such richness of purpose and so satisfied my longing.  And now these words continue to speak to me and guide me during this transitional time in my life—day by day, delighting in Him. So satisfying!

June 5, 2019: “Our glory is hidden in our pain, if we allow God to bring the gift of Himself in our experience of it. If we turn to God, not rebelling against our hurt, we let God transform it into greater good. We let others join us and discover it with us.” ~Henri Nouwen in Turn my Mourning into Dancing.

June 25, 2019: “Blessed be God, Who has not turned away my prayer, nor His lovingkindness from me…” (Psalm 66:20)  I’m feeling thankful—I’m one year out now from my diagnosis and feeling so much better than I was a year ago while undergoing chemo treatment for my cancer. Each day that He gives me leads me to praise and thank Him for life.

June 28, 2019: I’m finding peace in the thought that God is in control of my life, and He will decide when to call me Home to Himself. In the meantime, I will live for Him and give myself to loving and praying for my children and grandchildren especially, but also for those whom the Spirit brings to mind.

July 11, 2019: I heard a message in church last Sunday that resonated with me. The scripture verse was Matthew 21:21: “If you have faith (a firm, relying trust) and do not doubt…if you say to this mountain, ‘Be taken up and cast into the sea,’ it will be done.” The message was that whatever the mountain is that you are facing, there is power in “saying” to it to be gone—power in the word spoken in faith.

The ‘mountain’ that I am dealing with is this cancer, and I sense a boldness from the Lord in saying to it, “Be taken up and cast into the sea!” My next tests are coming up this next week—blood work and a CT scan. As always, the proof is in the pudding, but I am facing it with the boldness of faith.

And one must always consider and keep in mind, that what we ask for in prayer has to be within the parameters of the will of God, not asking amiss for selfish reasons. Ultimately this is all in His hands, but He has given me some “ifs”—IF you have faith—IF you say to the mountain. So I am saying to it, “Be gone! Be cast into the sea!”

July 14, 2019: Tests coming up these next three days—I’m feeling peace from the Lord that is guarding my heart. So thankful.

July 17, 2019: I received the results of my CT scan today and there is no further sign of disease at this time–praise be to God!

In the Valley of Baca Journal #21

In the Valley of Baca Journal #21

April 8, 2019: I was walking by a little table in our family room and noticed a book titled, “Be Still and Know.” It reminded me of a song, and so it began playing in my mind, “Be still and know that I am God…” from Psalm 46:10. When it came to the second verse, I was singing that in my mind: “I am the Lord that healeth thee…” It suddenly struck me that He was talking to me! This verse/song is deeply comforting to me as I anticipate my upcoming CT scan.

April 16, 2019: As I was waking up this morning, in that twilight between sleep and waking, my first thought was, “Today is my CT scan.” The very next thought that came immediately into my mind was, “Let not your heart be troubled; neither let it be afraid…” I knew it was the Lord Who was speaking to me. I love how tenderly He cares for me!

April 19, 2019: And so I clung to that word from the Lord to not let my heart be troubled or afraid for two days. I felt like I was wrapped in a blanket of perfect peace during my CT scan and then through the next morning as I waited at the doctor’s to hear the results of my test.

The test, as it turned out, showed no new cancer growth—I am clean for now! Oh glory! What joy I am feeling! What thankfulness to the Lord! It feels like I have a new lease on life—even though I know we can’t know what tomorrow holds for us. But for now I have a deep joy in the Lord! Praise to Him!