In the Valley of Baca Journal #17

Nov. 24,2018: “You, O Lord, keep my lamp burning; my God turns my darkness into light.” (Psalm 18:28)

Nov. 27,2018: I started my maintenance chemo medication today. It is called a PARP inhibitor and is to continue indefinitely or until the cancer returns. PARP inhibitors have been shown to prolong the remission time following chemotherapy, so I am encouraged to be taking this medication. Another advantage is that it is in pill form, so I won’t be having the IV infusions now.

Dec. 2,2018: I woke up in the middle of last night with a song playing in my mind.  It was a familiar hymn about how Jesus loved me more than anyone else could ever love me. Oddly, I had not heard or thought about this song for years. It played a couple of times, and I thought about it and what it meant to me—and then it faded away as I fell back asleep.  And now this morning I can’t remember the song, but I do remember the message—that He loves me more than I can know! I believe this was the Holy Spirit speaking to me. “…God my Maker, Who gives songs of rejoicing in the night.” (Job 35:10)

Dec. 4,2018: That song that I heard in my mind a couple of nights ago, that I couldn’t remember in the morning, came back to me this morning: “No one ever cared for me like Jesus/ There’s no other friend so kind as He;/ No one else could take the sin and darkness from me;/ Oh, how much He cares for me!”

Dec. 6,2018: I am continually amazed by how a Scripture verse can suddenly touch me. Today’s verse: “How precious are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them!  Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand.” (Psalm 139:17,18)

Dec. 11,2018: I felt a spark ignite in my heart a couple of days ago—I’m not sure what touched it off, but I think it was a Christmas song I was listening to that made me think of Heaven. I felt this intense glowing—like a candle flame—that when I considered it, was intense and bursting with joy—pure and powerful JOY!

This cancer that I have is aggressive and high grade they tell me, and has caused me to think a lot more about dying—and, in God’s time,it’s likely to take me there.  When I think of leaving my family behind—my loved ones, my dear ones, I am reminded that I am still in the Valley of Weeping, as tears flow freely.  But I know also that God’s timing is best—and He loves them more than I ever could. He will care for them.

A poem by Amy Carmichael comes to mind called “For My Beloved”: “For my beloved I will not fear;/ Love knows to do for him, for her,/As hitherto, whom my heart cherishes/ Are dear to Thy heart too!”

In the meantime, I’m not expecting to die anytime soon—the maintenance medicine I’m on holds promise of buying me some time yet. But the ember of hope and joy that now burns in my heart, with more intensity than ever before, opens the horizon to me of life and more life to be.  And so my quest each new day continues to be: How can I praise and glorify You today, Lord?